This year is 2009, and we have been living with the Federal Anti-Fucking Act (FAFA) for almost five years. The Act was born of intense religious fervor amongst the more ardent of the religious right who were the core support of the Republican interregnum known as the two terms of the George W. Bush Presidency.
Timing was critical to getting the Act passed. Even those who were otherwise staunch supporters of the Bush Presidency were resentful of the intrusive obstinacy of the Ayatollahs of the religious right and their dirigistes minions. Privacy was in the ICU, and its demise was feared imminent. Even if privacy were miraculously to survive in America, its prospects were for a continuum of serious impairment. Everyone familiar with the history of religious leadership in any culture or state knows that theocratic government is always tyrannical.
The supporters of a federal statute criminalizing fucking knew that they had a small window of opportunity to get the statute enacted. The political tide was turning against them. The Democrat party had become much more centrist, accelerating the alienation of much of the Republican center and moving them to the Democrat constituency.
Accordingly, a full court press was used to get the Act passed. It was so time critical that in caucus its sponsors decided that it was less important to focus upon zero defect quality than it was to get something – anything – passed. After all, they reasoned, if the statute created the Federal Anti-Fucking Commission empowered to write implementing regulations to use as a guide to enforcement policy and interpretation, defects could be patched over by the FAC. Somewhere down the road, if the right moment should ever present itself, Congressional hearings could be held to determine the extent to which the Act might need amendment, just as was done in the instance of the Patriot Act. And so we got a broad brush statute that would reach as far into everyone’s life as could be envisioned by the Commerce Clause of the Constitution – more later on this subject.
THEMISE EN SCENE
During the years of the Clinton administration, a fucking frenzy pervaded American society. No one was more obviously in the forefront of this fucking frenzy that the President himself. He was the fucking enthusiast’s poster boy, and his escapades occupied the front pages of the nation’s newspapers and magazines for several years. So fervent was he about fucking that he was reputed to have done it on the rug depicting the Great Seal of the President in the middle of the Oval Office. Even into the second term of President Bush, the Secret Service was still searching for vestigial specimens of Clintonian semen that might be festering in the nooks and crannies of the west wing of the White House. Indeed, it was with some trepidation that ministers of the Gospel would attend White House prayer breakfasts, fearing that, no matter where they might sit at the table, they might be touching at least laboratory specimen sized deposits of Clintonian semen or of the tumescence of whoever he might have been copulating with at some prayer breakfast venue during his tenure. Fear of inadvertent contact with any vestige of fornication was paranoiac in intensity. Many brought sheets of butcher paper to place upon the seats, backs and arms of their chairs. Others wore disposable outer garments over their preacher suits.
The women’s rights movement regularly bruited it about that more women were experiencing multiple orgasms and insisting that their sexual gratification was more, or at least as, important as that of any man. Female sex toy parties were conducted in suburban middle class homes just like the Tupperware parties of the past. This tendency had an immediate reaction amongst men who never thought that it might be important that a mere woman’s sexual desire deserved any attention. Seminars featured speakers who proclaimed that this was eroding the quality of a man’s legitimate expectations in a marital relationship. Why marry, they argued, if not to become entitled to sex on demand as the marital obligation of woman, regardless of her mood, interests or the potential for her to have a positive experience in the process.
Preachers focused sermons upon the denunciation of sexual pleasure except in the pursuit of procreation, raving against a rising tide of fornication, against any notion of fucking just because it’s fun. They were supported in the main by people who didn’t enjoy sex in any normal mode and those who couldn’t get laid with a fist full of fifties. Of course, irony of ironies, it was at just this moment that the revelations of clergymen buggering and molesting children entrusted to their care and ministry made the headlines everywhere.
The Republican conservative constituency posited that, while they certainly could not announce a campaign to end fornication in America just before the coming election, it would be given the very top priority on the legislative agenda right after a second Bush victory at the polls. Accordingly, early in 2005 the Federal Anti-Fucking Act was rammed through and signed by the President while delivering a Sunday address at the Washington National Cathedral.
The LEGISLATIVE HISTORY
For reasons I cannot fathom without resort to some rather funny “logic” and wordplay, the bill was assigned to the Judiciary Committee for hearings. There was a stellar list of nutcase witnesses signed up to testify for and against the bill.
The ACLU played out its standard privacy act about governmental intrusions into the private intimacies of individuals being an invasion of the right to privacy. Senators on the committee who favored the bill posited that, notwithstanding Roe versus Wade, nowhere in the Constitution is there any mention of a right to privacy, only a protection against unreasonable search and seizure. The ACLU responded that search and seizure is a form of privacy invasion and that it must be justified to be Constitutional, as in the instance of having to obtain a search warrant upon a showing of probable cause when entering private premises to seek out evidence of wrongdoing. This discussion devolved into a debate about what could constitute probable cause to enter a house seeking to find people who were fucking for fun, fucking while unmarried to each other or fucking that might represent a potential violation of some other statute. One notable left coast witness suggested that if you couldn’t smell people fucking from outside the dwelling, or if it had not been reported by an eyewitness, probable cause would be nigh impossible to show. The sound of intense moaning or someone yelling “YES, YES!” was suggested as another piece of probable cause evidence.
The interplay of FAFA and other federal statutes was discussed for several days. For example, if you were fucking for the hell of it and the other person was an illegal alien, might you also be violation the immigration laws, or at least susceptible to accusation that you were requiring the illegal alien to put out to keep you from ratting him/her out to the Immigration & Naturalization Service. Jay Leno joked about that by suggesting that the Immigration & Naturalization Service wouldn’t have jurisdiction if the sex involved was unnatural.
The witness from the ASCPA was elated that from the proposed language of the statute sex with animals would be a violation. In fact they were insistent that sex with animals would be a violation, as that would tie in with the state cruelty to animals laws. Of course this aroused hot opposition by the Association of Sheep Herders of America.
Just as in the instance of the alliance between the Israeli lobby and the Christian fundamentalists about Israel being entitled to certain property rights pursuant to a deal they made with God, and thefundamentalists’ insistence that every single word of the Bible is the revealed word of the Almighty His Own Self, the Orthodox Rabbinate sided with the fundamentalist supporters of the bill. Rabbi Schmulke Rabinowitz, the chief rabbi of Yehupetz, testified that, among other abominations, the act would further the will of the Almighty by lessening contact between men and women who were in a state of impurity because they might either be having their period or might not have gone to the ritual bath for post menstrual purification. With this statute, he proclaimed, even men who are not Orthodox Jews would have additional risk to worry about when they consorted with any woman under conditions of feminine impurity.
Governor Kinky Friedman of Texas testified against the bill. His concerns were more in the vein of the inclinations of Texans, male and female, to get to fucking after a few beers, a martini or two and especially right after smoking some Texas weed. He wanted to add to the bill a traditional Texas defense to everything that presupposes the absence of criminal intent if booze or weed is a contributing factor.
The anti evolution being taught in school folks sent representatives to testify in favor of the statute also prohibiting scholastic instruction inconsistent with the “Just say no” approach to reducing teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases amongst high school kids. They argued that if fucking was going to be a federal crime, then sex ed was no longer required in school at all. A simple requirement that the law be prominently posted at every entry/exit door in every schoolhouse would certainly promote the desired levels of chastity.
The American Bar Association, the ultra conservative organization of America’s lawyers, posited that there should be specific mandates about the elimination of any possible defense that fucking was inherently local and not interstate activity and therefore not amenable to federal jurisdiction. It was this bunch who insisted upon express provisions to the effect that the Act is intended to have the furthest possible reach permitted under the Commerce Clause of The Constitution. As they noted in the instance of the Civil Rights Act, eating barbeque in a local barbeque joint was claimed not to be subject to regulation under the Federal Civil Rights Act because it was not activity in interstate commerce. They did not want to have to go all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court and spend several years to get a determination that fucking was subject to federal regulation like the government had to do in United States versus McClung, which dealt with racial segregation in a Birmingham, Alabama barbeque joint. While initially suggesting that eating barbeque in your local barbeque joint does indeed seem to be local activity, the fact that the ketchup on the table came from Pennsylvania was enough contact with interstate commerce to vest jurisdiction under a federal law intended to go as far as the Commerce Clause would allow. After all, they pointed out, it would always be likely that the condom or other sex aid in use in the fucking would have come to be available in their local drug store through contact with instrumentalities of interstate commerce. In other words, if a Texan uses a condom made in Ohio, there is interstate commerce involved from the moment he even thinks about fucking and goes out to get a condom. The use of sex toys would similarly confer federal jurisdiction. They also wanted there to be no mitigating factor when there was a woman defendant in any such case on the grounds that she failed to have an orgasm. Orgasmic failure would not be admissible into evidence in either the guilt-innocence phase of the trial or the sentencing phase. Finally, premeditation should be assumed in any case in which a man had taken a woman out to dinner before they started fucking.
The American Medical Association Institute of Psychiatric Medicine and the NAACP put on a joint testimonial campaign in which Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Texas) sought a lower standard of proof to establish an insanity defense to a charge of fucking in violation of the Federal Anti-Fucking Act. Typically the insanity defense is established by a showing of the defendant’s inability to understand the difference between right and wrong (The McNaughton Rule) or by a showing of diminished mental capacity (The Diamond Rule). The AMA psychiatrists and the African American lobby pressed for an insanity defense that could be established by the lower threshold evidentiary burden known as “I’m just crazy about pussy!” It got nowhere.
The NRA lobbied for a section that would provide that it could never be used as evidence in support of enhanced liability or punishment that the defendant was armed while fucking.
The National Man Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) wanted blanket immunity for all activity that took place under or in the presence of a blanket. The Michael Jackson situation worked to their detriment.
Various other fringe groups sought measures that would further their agendas, but even most of the mainstream group agendas failed to be adopted unless they were in favor or enhancing liability and punishment rather than reducing it.
The Committee Report concluded that it was obvious from what was presented at the hearings that America was on a rampage of fucking frenzy tantamount to a fucking epidemic, and that there was a public health as well as a moral obligation for the government to “step in” and see to it that the tide of fornication was stemmed. The Act was passed by a party line vote majority in both houses of Congress and signed by President Bush the very next day.
Throughout the entire campaign to get the act passed, the press all over the world had a field day ridiculing Americans and America as people who inhabit a place in which the founding fathers forgot to embed into the Constitution a fundamental right to fuck whenever they like. The Archbishop of Canterbury even joined in the merriment, uggesting that Americans would probably be coming to England as refugees seeking permanent living privileges just so they could get laid without having to have one eye looking over their collective shoulder for the crotch cops. He suggested that when the Church of England swallowed Camilla Parker Bowles marrying Prince Charles, America seemed to be entering an age in which the granting of free will by The Almighty to all humanity was somehow missed by America’s clergy. A cheeky London humor magazine carried a lead article about the new law with the title being “I suppose a blow job is entirely out of the question”. Stars & Stripes, the journal of America’s soldiers in the field, despite its customary never criticize anything that the government does policy, insisting that everything is always wonderful in that great and glorious land that is the best of all possible worlds, somehow managed to turn a blind eye to allow an uncensored editorial suggesting to the troops that they had damn well better get all the pussy they could find in the field, because when they rotated home they would find no parking signs imprinted at the crotch of every pair of panties worn by every girl in the country. Sexual tourism quickly became the most sought after trip package in America. Everyone was signing up for travel to Southeast Asia where rampant screwing was accepted. It would get worse after the FAFA went into force as the law of the land.
There was a lineup of nut case pussy Nazis wanting to be appointed to the Federal Anti-Fucking Commission. Never had there been so large a collection of pseudo pious assholes lined up single file for anything until the list of FAC Commissioner candidates was first published. There were literally hundreds of anti fucking creeps seeking the three positions as Commissioners. Each seemed to mount his own (yes, they were all men, or at least what then passed for men in America in 2005) advert campaign touting his personal efforts to stop people from fucking in public, in the workplace, in schools, in motor vehicles, in hospitals, in churches and in old age assisted living establishments. Some who were musically inclined wrote little anti fucking songs that were played on religious radio day in and day out as the background music to their office seeking adverts. To the tune of “Onward Christian Soldiers”, the lyrics of one such effort included the lines “You can’t fuck my daughter if you kiss her in the mouth.”Kissing and fucking at the same time was seen to be the hallmark of recreational fucking.
The Commission couldn’t begin to function without a cadre of investigators, dubbed by the press as the Federal Bureau of Intercourse. If you thought vetting TSA people who screen airline passengers to weed out terrorists and grope hot women waiting to board airplanes was difficult, sorting out those who swore allegiance to the anti fucking movement, but who get a hard on when shown a picture of a naked underage girl was a nightmare. The major pharmaceutical manufacturers all fielded pills to inhibit erections so that people could pass job interviews for some position in the “Pussy Posse”. The sexually dysfunctional finally had their dream job opportunities, getting paid to see to it that no one else gets any either.
Soon arrests began to be made in very large numbers and violators of the new law so overcrowded detention facilities that a national crisis loomed until Microsoft came out with a new chip that could be implanted into the shaft of a male penis that would trigger intense scrotal pain at the first sign of erection. Jay Leno said he always thought that’s what Microsoft really meant anyway. The Section of Criminal Law of the American Bar Association quickly established the Forum Committee on Fucking and cobbled together continuing legal education seminars all over the country at which lawyers could be trained to competently counsel and otherwise represent fornicators. It was the first time in history when the term “fucking lawyer” could be used without being redundant.
Enforcement did not await the promulgation of implementing regulations by FAC. Consequently, in the beginning it was just winging it, with every FAC district office seeming to make up its own rules about probable cause, arrest threshold circumstances, priorities of enforcement targets, interrogation methods, protocols regarding the use of force and weapons, and trying to make it appear as though religion had nothing to do with this particular government activity. Where Christian fundamentalists were in the upper levels of regional offices, defendants were often referred to as sinners; throwing the first stone became part of the vernacular; women were regularly called harlots instead of the customary references of bitch, whore and slut. If you wore shorts bearing the brand name Members Only, half the districts treated that as a reference to part of the male anatomy and considered the wearing of garments made by that company to be prima facie evidence of intent to solicit recreational fucking. Fruit of the Loom underwear was a sure sign of the proclivity to participate in all sorts of “abominations”, hardly a statutory term in itself. No FAC agent ever entered any building without screening every computer found there for material suggesting an interest in fucking. The statute purported to deal with fucking, and fucking was the language of the statute that referred to circumscribed behavior. Yet evangelical enforcement officers customarily wrote people up for fornication, a word mentioned nowhere in the law.
Judges who had been Clinton appointees swiftly threw out indictments under the FAFA on Constitutional grounds, including lack of probable cause rulings by the hundreds. Italian judges had a telephone conference in which they decided that every time probable cause consisted of smelling anchovies, the search would be illegal because anchovies are as much an indication of someone making putanesca spaghetti sauce as it could ever be of sport fucking. Other libertarian leaning jurists threw out charges by the carload on similar approaches to addressing Constitutional issues relating to the legality of searches and arrests. Evidence was suppressed by the ton that resulted from such searches, thus eviscerating the government’s case in thousands of instances. Appellate courts were getting years in arrears in handling criminal appeals dockets, and a judicial revolt was in the making amongst appellate judges who had also been appointees of more liberal administrations. Different federal circuit courts pronounced various standards for this or that issue, so that there was nothing close to any national standard of enforcement or adjudication. People were coming to believe that they could just fuck their brains out whenever they felt like it and be protected by the judiciary in any setting that involved consenting adults. Accordingly, the Act did little in the last three years to stem the tide of rampant concupiscence. Sex device makers whose stocks had plunged when the Act was passed saw their share prices rapidly climbing back up, as the chaos produced by how the Act was being administered soon restored the awesome sex products markets to just about their previous sales levels.
Big contributors got first crack (yeah, first crack) at juicy advisory committee appointments to help write the regulations and set enforcement policy. The very first order of business of the advisory committee was to decide probable cause issues, and the meetings to review sexually oriented materials which, if found in a building could be used to accelerate prosecutorial zeal somehow took forever. The GAO audit of that committee alone found several millions had been spent on “specimen” exhibits used in the “probable cause” and prosecutorial priority considerations. Jay Leno remarked that the committee met wearing only raincoats and had spent $ 308,000 just on Kleenex. The Act had been in force for over a year during those “screenings”, with no clear cut policy forthcoming. As always happens, fundamentalist committee staff personnel started leaking stories to the press about what went on at the “materials screening” sessions. One committee member who was a noted child psychiatrist who had published a book advocating that the likelihood of early middle age onset blindness and dementia was predictable as a direct or at least proportionate consequence of pre-puberty jerking off, was a frequent guest on the new Martha Stewart show, teaming up with Dr. Phil to debate the risks and benefits of youthful weenie whacking. He made a fortune until a paparazzo got pictures of him masturbating his hunting dogs.
As could easily have been predicted by any normal person, the people placed in high enforcement positions turned out to be a cadre of perverts and psychopaths. Had they used the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory test to screen enforcement applicants, none of those appointed would ever have been acceptable. As for the Rorschach test, when it was for a very short time part of the appointment vetting procedure, every applicant saw pussies in every image. They quickly stopped using so obviously an unfair test.
In the span of just a few years, the Federal Anti-Fucking Act has caused so much chaos and dissention in American Society that it is credited with the Democrat landslide victory in the 2008 national elections. President Hillary Clinton made its repeal the centerpiece of her campaign and received a mandate majority unprecedented in American political history. It eclipsed practically every other domestic and international issue. In his congratulatory message to her upon the occasion of her election victory, the Prime Minister of France, Dominique Marie Francois Rene Galouzeau de Villepin, appearing on French television described the anti fucking campaign of the recent administration as clear evidence that “The fate of humanity can be, without frequent fucking, essentially tragic….. The mandarins of the sex as evil persuasion are always dark and malignant figures”.
We expect soon to be back to normal in America. Incidents of reported rape have fallen dramatically just from the absence of indicted women seeking exculpation from prosecutorial pressures by claiming that they never consented to the alleged conduct. Thanks to constant fucking, America is rapidly returning to its greatness as a leading figure on the world stage.
By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
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