A Muldoonian Survey

By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
Copyright © 1997-2017
All Rights Reserved

This past Wednesday I stopped at a branch of Wells Fargo Bank to make a deposit at the drive up window. It took less than a minute. The lady in the drive up window was a really lovely, significantly pretty red haired young woman whose appearance caught me a bit by surprise. I was remembering her with fondness as I was driving down the freeway on Friday when my cell phone rang and it was someone claiming to be from Wells Fargo Bank who asked me to confirm that I had within the past day or two made a deposit at the Memorial and Kirkwood branch at the drive up window. Thinking that something had perhaps gone awry with my bank account I stayed on the line. Usually I just hang up if it is clearly a marketing call.

This survey person knew how to skew survey results, as she spent about fifteen seconds learning whether I had a positive feeling about the experience before going on recorded conversation to ask if I would participate in a survey. After all, why record a probable negative result? Companies want surveys that confirm their advertising messages, not surveys seeking any reality. Had I told the lady that I had contracted a loathsome disease from touching the cash drawer that was pushed out to receive my deposit I am certain that would have ended the call right then and there. They aren’t taking a survey to find out how many of their customers failed to catch the clap from a teller while making a deposit through bullet proof glass.

In the back of my mind were delusions that I might also be assisting the standing of the very attractive young woman in the window, and since I secretly lusted after her in my heart a la Jimmy Carter, that was significant motivation for doing what I would never do in the ordinary course. So I sat there driving with a growing sense of arousal, listening to the instructions about answering questions with numeric responses of one for very negative and five for very positive, consenting to this all being recorded and agreeing not to talk about how much I might enjoy disrobing the teller while the recorder was running.

So from “do you go there often” to “were you promptly greeted” to “did the teller handle the transaction competently and to my complete satisfaction” to things so ridiculous that my arousal began to fade and I just terminated the conversation, I endured something that no one who isn’t just plain lonely would ever tolerate by way of absurdity after absurdity.

This cannot have been someone from Wells Fargo Bank. It had to have been some survey organization hired by the Wells Fargo advertising agency to gin up phony survey data to support hortatory claims about the quality of their service.

The lesson here is never to have unattractive people interface with your clientele if you intend to call them later to take surveys about how they feel when doing business with you. If I had not wanted so badly to fondle the teller I would have hung up the phone as soon as it became clear that nothing bad had happened to my bank account.

All companies and trade groups are now doing these stupid surveys for the same use…claiming that everyone who does business with them is really happy to be their customer. Their retail personnel are instructed to ask customers to respond to surveys and to tell the customer that they will get positive job performance assessments if there is positive survey participation. They tell the customer that if they take the survey they will be eligible for a prize drawing for a trip to Transylvania to see Dracula’s castle and watch medieval torture of local virgins. If the service call or other retail experience was not as it should have been, they don’t ask the customer to take the fucking survey.

This brings me to the notion that there is no reason on earth why Muldoons should not use survey advertising to enhance its saloon patronage. We do hire hot babes to tend bar and listen to the bullshit that guys in bars give to hot babe bartenders. They do wear outfits that look kinda they are working in their back yard with not a lot of clothes on, not expecting visitors. They are women who instinctively or from experience know how to lure men farther and farther into tip generating delusions about the prospects of getting laid later in the evening. Add booze and beer to that and you have the stuff of really good survey results.

I think I am going to suggest to Chuck that we hire an advert agency to gin up survey results with the following survey: After intro comments to establish that the person being called really is a Muldoons customer, turn on the recording and ask the following:

  • How often do you visit Muldoons (1 for monthly and 5 for daily)?
  • Do you usually go to Muldoons alone or do you often bring a date/guest (1 for bringing date/guest and 5 for go alone)?
  • How many drinks do you usually have when you are visiting Muldoons (1 for just two drinks and 5 for six or more)?
  • Do you usually drink beer, wine or booze when you visit Muldoons (1 for beer and 5 for all booze)?
  • When you are served your first drink do you really want to fuck the bartender’s brains out (1 for not at all to 5 for absolutely)?
  • When you have finished drinking at Muldoons and are ready to pay your check do you still want to fuck the bartender’s brains out (1 for no and 5 for absolutely yes)?
  • Before you go to Muldoons do you place anything in your jockeys to make it appear as though you had a very large penis (1 for no and 5 for always)?
  • If you put things into your underwear to make yourself look magnificently endowed how often does that succeed in your getting lots of feminine attention (1 for never – I do it for me or to attract other guys – to 5 for just about always)?
  • Do you succeed in picking up hot babes in Muldoons (1 for never and 5 for frequently)?
  • When you leave with a hot babe after drinking at Muldoons are you able to take her somewhere and screw her brains out (1 for rarely and 5 for sure all the time)?
  • How often do you bathe and change your underwear (1 for weekly and 5 for daily)?

This survey is about the same length as any survey used by a bank. I hope it gives us good material to use in our advertising program.



By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
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Copyright © 1997-2017 All Rights Reserved