Boudreaux and Muldoon are always in the right place at the right time. Boudreaux and Muldoon always know what to do when everyone else is running around in circles, freaking out over inaccurate information and doing ridiculous things that are utterly ineffectual, useless. Face it. Boudreaux and Muldoon are two cool dudes. If you hang with Boudreaux and Muldoon, you gonna have mo fun than you evah had in you whole life, and nuthin bad aint nevah gonna happen to you. Oh well, alright, you could wake up some mornings and your dick don’t work cause you had too much fun last night – but, other than that. Of course, before Boudreaux and Muldoon perfected their system of analyzing everything, even they made the occasional bad call. Boudreaux and Muldoon used to make decisions the way all men make decisions – with their dicks. Now, their dicks only get two votes, and their brains also get two votes. So how come, you ask, do they always make the cool decisions if their dicks still get 50 % of the votes? The answer is that their dicks learned from their earlier mistakes, and are now making better decisions than their dicks used to make – so things just come out mo bettah.
This was proven beyond any possibility of doubt last year when the nationally recognized experts in meteorology, government and emergency planning and management came up with their hurricane predictions for Houston, especially in the instance of Hurricane Rita. 2,700,000 people obeyed the call of the experts to evacuate Houston, all in one day. Boudreaux and Muldoon decided that these people didn’t know Jack Shit about the situation, and refused to obey. Truth to tell, Boudreaux and Muldoon don’t obey no how, no matter what the experts or the government might say. Boudreaux and Muldoon know that the government is always wrong and that anyone identified by the government as an expert in anything is always gonna be full of shit.
So while 2,700,000 people were taking 18 hours to go 200 miles, and over 30,000 of them were running out of gas by the time the traffic jam allowed them to move 40 miles down the road, and while many of them were giving birth out there on the highway in the hot sun, and having heart attacks and strokes, all without the slightest possibility of obtaining any assistance, Boudreaux, Muldoon and Charlie were down at Muldoons, with the air conditioning on and the music playing and the wine flowing freely. And they so damn cool and sly about it that people thought they were going to Muldoons cause Muldoons has an ice machine and everyone needs lots of ice whenever a hurricane is expected. They told their women that the hurricane wasn’t coming to Houston, but that, just to be on the safe side, they were going to go get some ice anyway. The women didn’t figure out that it was just a ruse until about five hours later when Boudreaux and Muldoon still had not returned. Finally they called on the cell phones to find out whether Boudreaux and Muldoon had any intention of coming home again, to which Boudreaux answered, “Lemme call you back in a few minutes on that.” Charlie’s old lady never called cause she had no idea he was at Muldoons in the first pace. She thought he was over at Aunt Belinda’s helping her get ready for the hurricane.
This was poor old Charlie’s maiden voyage going out with Boudreaux and Muldoon, and it was so much fun that he forgot to pace his own self. Consequently, Charlie was done before Boudreaux and Muldoon were done, but being done don’t mean you have to stop drinking. Now when Charlie’s mama finally did get around to calling Aunt Belinda’s house to see how old Charlie was doing helping her out, she was reassured that, while Charlie wasn’t there right at that moment, he was with Muldoon and Boudreaux, so there wasn’t anything to worry about - - yeah right! Later on, when his mama was thinking of throwing a mama fit about what Charlie was doing out there with Boudreaux and Muldoon, it was suggested to her that she ought instead to be saying thank you that Charlie didn’t come home with any sexually communicable disease. Boudreaux and Muldoon made damn sure that the ladies at Muldoons kept their hands out of Charlie’s trousers. This was no easy feat, as Charlie was definitely fresh meat, and the predators kept circling him and tumescing until Muldoons started to smell like mating season at the dog pound. Boudreaux and Muldoon decided right then and there that they were gonna take Charlie with them whenever they went out so they could use him for bait. Of course none of this was ever shared with Charlie’s mama.
The long and short of it was that Boudreaux and Muldoon had a grand afternoon searching for ice at Muldoons, and of course nothing in the way of bad weather ever came anywhere close to Houston.
What we did get by way of hurricane damage was 250,000 FEMAzoids from New Orleans, sent here to mooch, rob, rape and freeload to the point where the federal government ended up paying for police overtime to cover the 25 % increase in violent crime. Fortunately, the FEMAzoids kill each other with a high degree of frequency, and they get into fights with our indigenous natives, all of which reduces the FEMAzoid population. It’s just that we can’t get the sumbitches to leave due to the FEMA free room and board program. They won’t go home to help clean up New Orleans, because they expect someone else to clean it up and just hand it back to them fully restored. In high schools with a high FEMAzoid population, graduation ceremonies had to be heavily guarded due to the threat of gang fights – FEMAzoids versus Houstonians – some graduations were simply called off for that reason. They went back to New Orleans in buses to vote for Mayor Nagin’s re-election, but then they came back to Houston to resume their criminal lifestyle. The weekend they were gone back to vote was extremely quiet, but right afterwards the air was again filled with the sound of sirens.
Now it is the beginning of “Hurricane Season” in the year of our Lord 2006, and the government, having proven to everyone last year that they didn’t have even a remote idea about what to do in the event of an emergency, has announced its new plan for dealing with this year’s Hurricane Season. And the reason for writing this story is that this year’s government emergency management plans are even more ridiculous than last year’s government emergency management plans.
There are fundamental flaws in this year’s emergency preparedness scheme. They are that (1) the people in charge of it haven’t the slightest notion of how anything works in reality – they represent what I call the “consultant” mentality; (2) the major premises upon which the scheme rests are all ridiculously, laughably false; (3) even if they had any notion of how things work in real life, they can’t deal with anything in that mode because to do so effectively would require saying/doing things that are not politically correct; (4) Homeland Security and FEMA are now at least de facto on the same bozo track, with true bozo leadership, and their attention/resources are parceled out as much for reasons of politics as for risk to and value of the primary “targets” in America; and (5) when they run out of stupid suggestions, they fill in the blanks with outright lies.
The people in charge of not being in charge but pretending that they are in charge are all political appointees amongst whom no one has ever even seen a hurricane or other calamity of significant proportions except on television. To be honest and give credit where credit is due, three of them did take a seminar on Emergency Preparedness Appreciation – not Emergency Preparedness, but Emergency Preparedness Appreciation – like the difference between studying music and taking a course in music appreciation. Think of it as people who “like” music but have no knowledge of how to perform music. You know, the bozos who will stand in front of a speaker system and gesticulate as though they understood what is involved in leading an orchestra, waiving their arms in time with the music with a whacked out expression on their face, transported in vacuous delight. They could never be allowed to participate in any musical performance, and these disaster appreciation whackos should never be allowed to participate in any but make believe disaster planning functions - - but they do - - and that’s why what we have is sheer idiocy for disaster plans.
The head of the department of homeland security, for instance, is a New York ex Federal Judge to whom a disaster/calamity/emergency means that he has to wait for a table in a restaurant because the Maitre D isn’t aware that he is an ex Federal Judge from New York who is now head of the department of homeland security. This bozo went to Houston last week and held meetings with the state and local bozos in charge of not being in charge should something bad ever happen. They reviewed the Texas disaster plans and the Houston disaster plans over a very liquid lunch and an even more liquid dinner, and then they went and drove the evacuation routes when no one else was on the road and proclaimed that the evacuation should be a breeze this time.
There is now a new head of FEMA whose employment history does not include organizing horse shows in Kentucky, but whose qualifications are not one iota better than the major domo of the horsy set who used to be head of FEMA. He also proclaims that the government is really and truly on top of the situation should this hurricane season be as bad as it is predicted to be.
The heads of disaster management in the states of Texas and Louisiana are both politically connected men who are accustomed to dealing with disasters at the level of losing a cuff link while dressing to go out to some black tie affair. The Harris County, Texas disaster management person is an unemployed relative of the county judge who is serving probation for having been found with tons of kiddie porn on his hard drive. And the bozo in charge of such things for the City of Houston is some person picked up off the street and given the title/”job” for purposes of furthering an affirmative action agenda – there’s an election coming up, you know.
There is - - get this, will ya - - an office of government accountability - - have you ever heard a funnier oxymoron? It has just issued a scathing report about the fraud that people perpetrated on FEMA last year, folks who got a few thousand dollars in emergency funding under false pretense, for example. And, even more reprehensible, many FEMAzoids spent their FEMA debit card funds on commercial beaver, especially in the Martha’s Vineyard area where a few token FEMAzoids were sent so that Senator Edward Kennedy could show how bloody liberal he is. The Martha’s Vineyard newspaper was chick a block with editorial material about how terrible it was that FEMA funds were not going to food and shelter, but were being spent on - - of all things - - PUSSY! We’re supposed not to know or even be liminally aware of the phony contracts for millions of dollars that were handed out by FEMA last year. We’re supposed to give our attention only to the petty thievery committed by individuals who are not politically connected. That’s a terrific example of the quality of “government accountability”. Some poor bastard who got a few thousand for emergency shelter assistance and listed his address as a cemetery and spent the money on commercial beaver gets mentioned in the report. I expect some folks to be petty opportunistic crooks.
Hell, considering what the “contractors” who were on the A List of political cronies stole, the petty thieves ought to get a damn medal for stealing only a little bit. When you think of those thousands of FEMA trailers rotting in fields in Arkansas, unused, unwanted, but paid for; and when you think of hundreds of trucks hauling ice from the west coast to New Orleans and not delivering it to people who needed it claiming that there was no one to “sign for it”, and then hauling it to Massachusetts and putting it in storage; no petty theft of a few quid by some horny opportunistic FEMAzoid seems that impressive. If you want to attack waste, you might consider how much the report cost, people going through petty sum vouchers for a year to find a few quid spend on quim, and not making an issue of the millions ripped by the FEMA contractors. But then, the contractors probably bribed government officials for their no competitive bid contracts, and the government certainly wouldn’t want anyone reviewing that sordid arrangement, would it? Gimme a fucking break!
After a year of planning, this group of ultimate misfits have come up with an inventory of what you need to got out and buy and have handy in the event that a major hurricane makes a direct hit on your city. The committees established by these nit wits met four times during the past year to come up with the following list of stuff that you need, all of which is politically correct but totally inadequate and guaranteed to have your poor ass hanging out in dire straights if you are stupid enough to follow these directions.
What is it that would be extremely useful/critically indispensable in the event of a big hurricane or other major disaster, but that isn’t on the list because it is more important to be politically correct than to be useful? How about the following:
Inasmuch as it is politically incorrect to do so, the imbeciles who run the emergency preparedness programs won’t tell you about one of your greatest dangers and how to deal with it. Whenever there is a disaster of substantial proportion that is accompanied with a functional breakdown of society’s public safety enforcement resources, criminals flood out into the population to do what criminals do when they believe the police are too busy to intervene. Hurricanes are typical examples of that kind of situation. You won’t be able to call the police and get any effective assistance in a hurricane. You are on your own. You need to be prepared and conditioned to deal with the threat of attack. You need firearms and ammunition and you need to be locked and loaded and mentally ready to shoot to kill on a moment’s notice. You can’t expect the criminal to wait until you go get and load your gun before he rapes your family, takes your property and assaults you. Criminals count on your not being mentally and otherwise ready to shoot to kill. If they thought you were ready, they wouldn’t bother you in the first place. So you have to be ready. If you live in a hurricane or earthquake area, you need to go to pistol training and you need to be accustomed to firearms use and to be proficient at it. There are moments in life when hesitation and moralizing will only get you and your family assaulted and killed. Your government won’t tell you about that. That’s something you have to provide for yourself. If you have been in the military and in a combat unit, you already know about this. Today, however, people think they are somehow exempt from the threat of attack by other people. Would that it were so. It isn’t so.
In all likelihood, you aint qualified to do things like we do ‘em, so you probably better start getting ready for the hurricane season. We aint goin nowhere, no matter what the government says to do. We gonna do exactly like we did last year, and the government can kiss our collective ass. We got lotsa, food, water and wine and booze and charcoal briquettes and charcoal starter and hand operated can openers, cork screws and speed blades, and, of course, guns, ammo and two hot babes who can keep us happy until the disaster is gone. As everyone knows, the very best love making is when there’s no electricity and it’s August in South Texas, with a howling storm going on and some flooding and wind driven debris flying by. I just gotta write a story about hurricane sex. I know Belinda won’t let me do it, but if she ever does allow it, the title will be “Hurricane Fucking”.
I remember last hurricane season’s pictures of people who lacked food, water and every other necessity of life, taking merchandise out of the stores. The sanctimonious church fucks accused them of looting and stealing. If they were white, they were just trying to stay alive. If they were black they were looting. Well, assholes, here’s the reality of that situation. Whatever was not taken from the stores was declared an insurance loss and disposed of anyway. Storeowners who were insured lost nothing that was not covered, and the insurance companies would have had to pay for it anyway. The merchandise went to helping people survive the disaster. Taking plasma television sets is no different than taking food or other necessities, because those can be traded for the necessities that weren’t in the store you were in when you took stuff. It’s just too bad that the judgmental assholes who so quickly accused and judged haven’t yet had the opportunity to experience that kind of disaster. When you walk in another person’s shoes, then you may have competence to express meaningful opinions. I know that anyone who understands anything about survival will take anything that may be useful, and that you can’t usually tell in an emergency what might be important and what may not help, especially if you aint had no survival training – so you take everything sometimes. No one facing real emergencies who is not a fucking idiot would ever sit there and debate the “morality” of taking what they need for themselves and for their families. To do that is to mistake stupidity for morality. Ironically, most of the folks who took the big plasma televisions last year still don’t have anyplace to plug the sumbitches in.
One of the real benefits of last year’s hurricane season is that a few thousand corpses floated out into the bays and bayous of South Louisiana, and the crabs are now really large and succulent, just like the eels in the North Sea right after the Battle of Jutland.
So what is the point of this article? Is it just another of my rants about this or that with no goal other than to vent? Is there no message here? OK – You want a message? Here’s a message.
Even though you were taught the nonsense about the government being there to protect you, it is not - - other than in the context of a war or some other very long term governmental exercise that will not be that effective and that will take so long that it won’t be of any use to you anyway. You have to take care of yourself. You have to develop the competence to manage calamity on your own. If you don’t do that, you’re fucked.
Even though you were taught that God sees every sparrow fall from every tree, that too is utter nonsense. God is not your baby sitter. God is the creator of the system by reason of which you came into this world and are sustained by the forces of nature that operate to sustain those who become competent to take care of themselves. It is not the will of God that you live or die at any given moment. That is up to chance and up to you to influence the odds by being competent at survival. God does not go about destroying innocents. God doesn’t give babies cancer. We have to take care of ourselves and not expect others – who are certainly less than God – to do it for us. There are resources available to us to enable us to deal with most everything. We have to avail ourselves of those resources and learn to be self sufficient.
God gave us many wonderful things, but it is up to us to rise to every occasion and honor those gifts by mastering the techniques of preserving and improving our own lot. Whiners who don’t do that and who constantly complain that things don’t automatically work out the way they think they should, will always be sloughed off into the dung heap.
Finally, it may be the case that a substantial contributor to “natural” disasters is the manner of our failed stewardship vis-à-vis the environment. Certainly since the industrial revolution we have been treating the world like our toilet and dumping poisons into and onto it. Humanity may simply have become an affliction that the earth must cure and will cure. I do not believe we will be allowed to destroy the world. I do believe that we can cause the world to become unwilling/incapable to support our continued existence here. If that belief is well founded, our effort to meet disasters is just a big waste of time. The melting of polar icecaps and the advent of other natural calamities in epic proportions suggest biblical scale portent. If the seas rise to inundate us, and storms destroy what we build, and seismic activity and disease overwhelm us, the puny bullshit of FEMA is simply a big bad joke – and the joke is on us. Our policies on these issues are and have for a long time been pure bullshit. But we might consider asking the question, “Just who are we bullshitting anyway?” If we do not correct our thinking, we may expect that we will all be sloughed off/washed away in a cleansing process. After that the earth will gradually heal itself and restore its natural functionality. Ultimately, another life form will appear that may, for a time, appreciate stewardship responsibilities. My reference for this is Genesis 6:5 – 9:29. Could it be that we are no longer honoring the covenant that God made with Noah and that notice is being taken of our delinquency?
By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
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