A virus that is a combination of genetic material from pigs, birds and
humans is sweeping Mexico, doubtless sped along its way though the
recent fornication Olympics known as spring break. The story that it
began on a large pig farm neat Veracruz was made up for apparent
continuity because no one knows where it came from and governments have
to say things that make them seem like they are knowledgeable.
The United States has issued an advisory that says, in effect, we can’t tell you to stay out of Mexico because that would fuck up agendas we are trying to promote throughout Latin America, but you need to use your head and make your own independent don’t go near Mexico but don’t tell anyone you heard it from us decision.
Today the US announced it has no intention to close the border with Mexico. What? Hello! Since when could we close the border with Mexico? The news every day is all about what we cannot stop going back and forth across the Mexican US border. We can’t close the border to drugs. We can’t close the border to guns and explosives. We can’t close the border to illicit money crossing back and forth in trucks. We can’t close the border to illegal immigrants. Just how the fuck could we ever close the border to a virus? Someone needs to get a fucking grip here!
The World Health organization (WHO) – no, not the rock group, stupid – just issued a pandemic warning. The Center for Disease Control dropped its condom project to create a vaccine specific to the genetics of this Swine Flu so that pharmaceutical companies can have batches of starter material for the production of large inventories of vaccine for use on those who simply cannot resist the urge to fuck, kiss and visit Mexico. Like all other flu vaccines, this one won’t work either, but it is a great vehicle to make money for pharmaceutical companies.
Dr. Sanjay Gupta announced from Mexico City on CNN this morning that he discovered upon going there to investigate the epidemic that swine flu, previously thought to have been transmitted from pigs to humans, is now known to be transmitted primarily from obese people to other people – hence the name swine flu. Mayor Michael Bloomberg of NYC went on television immediately thereafter to warn New Yawkahs not to have any contact with fat people. All over the United States today there is a wave of ostracism against fat people. Shunning the obese is rapidly becoming a powerful social force in America.
The Village Voice renamed Da Swine Flu today, and it is now called Da Fat Fuck Flu. The FBI announced that the epidemic is the response by fat bastards to the decision by major airlines to make fat fucks buy two tickets when their asses require two seats. The Congressional rejoinder was to exempt obesity from the protections of the Americans With Disabilities Act. The Lai Lai all you can eat dumpling house is the headquarters for the fat bastards’ resistance movement.
As of 26th April the WHO issued a statement of hope that the current rendition of Da Swine Flu will mutate into something less treatable so that its economic potential will not be lost. I smell a rat. When the government and the pharmaceutical companies scammed us for years with Da Bird Flu bullshit, they used the same gambit – it mutates. That means than the formula for vaccine they sell will not affect the changing virus as it mutates. We would – were we stupid enough to go get flu shots – now be scammed just as the poor fools were scammed in Da Bird Flu conspiracy.
What’ll they come up with next? You can go through the entire animal/insect kingdom and have a new flu scam every year – cow flu, dog flu, cat flu, fat fart flu, you name it.
Imagine yourself stuffed into an economy class seat on an airplane with an obese person lapping over into your seat space, sick as a dog. There the fat bastard is farting, coughing, vomiting and getting it all over you. The plane is sold out and you can’t move away. The line to get into the crapper is long and slow. You are still an hour and a half from landing. The flight attendant tells you that if you don’t stop complaining the pilot will have you physically restrained and you will be arrested upon landing. She refuses to sell you a drink because you are already exhibiting anti social behavior. The fat bastard has another round of paroxysmal coughing and farting. The flight attendant pretends that nothing is happening except that you cannot seem to control your attitude. Finally the fat bastard lets go with fulminating diarrhea, and the flight attendant hands him a box of Kleenex. You encounter turbulence and the plane bounces around, causing the fat bastard further explosive emissions. The fasten seat belts signed on. Oh well.
It is spreading across the globe with disastrous social and religious impact. A man in Israel came down with it and was stoned to death for coming into contact with pork. Word of that spread to Muslim countries where people who secretly have contact with pork and with those who consort with swine went into hiding, fearing a similar disposition in the course of their very similar religion, at least as interpreted by the extremist clergy of both. The Chief Rabbi of Israel announced today that anyone coming down with Da Swine Flu in Israel will be as unwelcome in heaven as he would be dancing the hora and singing Havana Gila in front of a Shiite mosque. Non Jews recognize for the first time than Havana Gila is not Cuban music.
Business at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem is way down. A news story came out that dozens of orthodox Jews had grand mal peristaltic seizures in the middle of their prayers, and that, even though they normally smell strongly of herring, you could sense that some had eaten of pork because of the different smell emitted with each seizure than what is customarily the experience with fecal explosions by people who eat only kosher food. The Zatmar Rebbe proclaimed a fast day to purge forbidden comestibles from the bowels of the faithful. This will continue for three days, after which the faithful will for two more days consume only hot tea and stewed prunes.
Unfortunately for those who thought up swine flu as a money making proposition, there are already drugs out there that handle the situation well. This aint the bird flu bonanza of the good old days when Republicans were in power and knew how to drum up hysteria over fictitious diseases and make fortunes off the stupid population who ran to get shots that didn’t prevent a damn thing. These morons came up with a pharmaceutical dry hole. The Harvard B School will use this as a case study on what not to do when you need an entrepreneurial disease. Recognizing the marketing mistake, it was announced today that it is mutating so that the current vaccines are not effective. YEA!!
The CDC is also studying Seamus Muldoon because he is such a pig that he has a natural immunity to Da Swine Flu. There is also the matter of professional courtesy between pigs and lawyers that many say could account for his immunity. The CDC believes that his bodily fluids may contain a natural defense to Da Swine Flu. Thousands, upon hearing this, are rushing to Houston to attempt to copulate with him and obtain instant immunity through contact with his bodily fluids. He is now the Cialis poster boy, and his agent has negotiated a lucrative contract for him to endorse Cialis as a substitute for Da Swine Flu vaccine in the context of his sexual capabilities. As of now he is on a $ 500 a day Cialis habit.
James Dobson, head of a right wing Christian fundamentalist group has denounced the entire scenario as some heathen anti Christian campaign to instigate universal fornication as a means to hasten the end of days and “Rapture”. Muldoon has issued a press release regarding his own version of rapture, and the two will debate their respective positions in the next few weeks on Fareed Zacharia’s “Global Public Square”.
Dr. Sanjay Gupta informed everyone on CNN this morning that there is no truth to the rumor that Da Swine Flu immunity may be obtained through having oral sex with Mexican Women. He insists that it is available only through vaccination or sex with Muldoon. Muldoon, nearing exhaustion, stated that oral sex with Mexican women should not hastily be ruled out, due to the similar appearance of tacos and vaginas. The WHO believes he may have stumbled on a vehicle for spreading the vaccine throughout the population in taco sauce, just like iodine to prevent goiters was once provided through iodized salt. Muldoon will appear on the Today show next Monday eating a taco and making all sorts of disgusting mouth sounds in order to promote the use of vaccine impregnated taco sauce. He is now down to 110 pounds and in danger of becoming worn out completely, even though there are still over 700 women and a few dozen men lined up outside his home.
Meanwhile, in addition to the swine flu, San Antonio is infested with the annual convention of the AAFD, an impotent California whiner’s organization lamenting the vicissitudes of the franchising business, being held in the men’s room of the Motel 6. Muldoon is an ardent critic of the AAFD, and thinks their holding their annual whine in at epidemic ground zero is the work of God’s ultimate justice. Since they are best known for adopting resolutions condemning wrong, and awarding their official imprimatur of fairness in franchising to one of the most obvious franchise scams of this century, Muldoon believes that the swine flu should be their official disease.
Pictures on television show thousands of Mexicans walking around wearing masks. How stupid can you get? Supposedly, say the government morons, this fat fuck flu pandemic is transmitted through airborne viruses. So the idiots, not wanting to inhale the exudate of others, wear masks. They pay no attention to the fact that their clothing soaks up the crap. When they get home they take off the masks, but do not remove their virus infused clothing. They walk around all day breathing in the air that is in contact with their clothing, and wonder how they got sick since they dutifully wore the fucking masks.
Our resident moron Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, insists she is in charge. Sounds like the Bush people all over again. Word is out that hand sanitizer is now in short supply. Add that to the fact that ammunition is also in short supply due to fear of being invaded by our own government, and Texas is an armed camp. Barack Obama pictures abound in every gun shop, honoring him as the Salesman of the Month.
If this article seems stylistically a tad disjointed, it is because it is based on the news as it broke each day while it was being written. The journalistic style of this article mimics the way we receive information now in the digital Internet age. No longer will there be carefully crafted news stories in print newspapers that are old because they are really yesterday’s news. Today’s journalism is short and jerky, like so many lawyers we all know.
By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
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