God's Proctologist

By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
Copyright © 1997-2017
All Rights Reserved

All science springs from the cosmic intellect of God. Knowledge has forever been the exclusive creation and possession of the Almighty. What knowledge we have was placed here at the Creation for us to find and use through the process of striving. Striving is what keeps humanity vital. As we can see in our own societies, those who do not strive are useless and a burden on the others who do. So also is it true in all the natural orders. Plants and animals compete and work in their fashions for resources that are available to them. I am here. I have been given great gifts to enable me to compete and succeed. I must use my abilities and my strengths to the best of my capability in order to fulfill my duty to my fellows, to my Creator and to myself.

Despite that eternal truth, we all know of many to whom that is not a fundamental mandate. Their goals are to obtain the most from available resources while doing the very least possible in the process of doing so. They may exert some effort to steal and plunder, rape and murder, lie and cheat, abuse and injure, but other than that manner of effort they are simply useless assholes.

In Her ultimate wisdom, having given us free will, God knew that some of us would make terrible decisions about life and how to live it. Accordingly, methods to deal with that were provided for us to discover as the burden imposed upon us by assholes grew ever more tiresome. The science of medicine has a specialty that is, like all true specialties, reflected in everything that we deal with in life. In medicine the specialist who deals with diseased assholes is call a Proctologist. Whenever you encounter a Proctologist, give thanks that our appreciation of science has provided all sorts of methodologies and resources to deal with diseased assholes.

The assholes of humanity come in all configurations, religions, races, fields of endeavor, geographic locations and organizations. We have all seen and had to deal with them. Some of us, the more fortunate, know better how to deal with assholes than others. I count myself extremely fortunate that God gave to me an incredibly dynamic capability to deal with assholes. Its particularities are perhaps best saved for another article, but suffice it to say that the coupling of aggressive tendencies and a good legal education has served to place assholes exactly in my 10 ring upon so many occasions. They haven’t a chance in hell.

The holy grail for assholes is “Get rich quick”. That applies in matters material as well as matters intellectual and emotional. The two most well known methodologies by which assholes obtain what is their version of Nirvana are inheritance and marriage. “Connections” are the juices that flow through their whatever it is that passes for energy. Why do anything if you can convince someone else to do it and give you credit/compensation for it?

While there are seemingly endless signals of assholism, one of the most common, outrageous and despicable is that of gratuitous meanness. People who are gratuitously mean, without substantial provocation, and who are not compensated assholes (think lawyers) so immediately disgust and repel normal folks that only their being in a position where they can decide your future, compensation, position could cause you to tolerate them. Just being around these assholes on a regularly basis can cause someone to become dysfunctional and use a great deal of alcohol – that wonderful substance that God provided for us to soothe our psyches when all else either fails or is simply too much work to fuck with.

Gratuitously mean assholes expose anything about someone else, regardless of how insignificant, if they think that in doing so they can cause unpleasantness or embarrassment. Gratuitously mean assholes order the best of everything in large quantities when they know someone else is paying the bill. Gratuitously mean assholes neglect their pets and other animals to the point at which they have to be taken away or put down due to the impact upon them of neglect or mistreatment. We see this so often on television that we are regularly revolted and wish the owner of the poor animal to be flayed and gutted slowly in the hot sun with many insects present. Gratuitous assholes bring out the very worst in everyone who has the misfortune to be around them or associated with them. The great shithole of hell awaits them in the next world.

In addition to gratuitous meanness assholes are known to attempt at every turn to take unfair advantage of any situation. They will, in any setting – organization, church, family, political setting – attack others solely because they are arrogant and see themselves grievously offended whenever anyone asks them a direct question or contradicts anything they may have said. We have a dramatic portrayal of this today in the person of that Pig Asshole, Donald Trump. His assholism is so extreme that one sees it plainly every time he appears anywhere or has an opportunity to speak. Moreover, he so accouters himself that just to look at him, the first thought that comes to mind is ASSHOLE!

If you can imagine a man whose former wife said publicly that when he wanted sex, if she was not in the mood, he would just rape her. To this his response was that the law did not recognize forcible sex with someone’s wife as legal rape. Only a true, demented asshole would ever say such a thing. Even running for a nomination for President of the United States he called out one of his competitors as an ugly faced person, suggesting that no one would ever vote for that face. Against anyone who dared ask him a direct and challenging question he launched a vicious and enduring personal attack, impugning their competence and their professionalism – notably they were all female. His obvious masculine deficiencies are ever on display. It is not possible that he would ever become President. Every competent leader in the world would exploit his insufficiencies and we would become the laughing stock of the planet. His absurd claims that he would make this or that nation do something on his order sheds light upon what his method of dealing with everyone would be were he ever in a position of public power. He is constantly followed and served by hair dressers and make up people so that what he really looks like does not become known. There is nothing about him that is not wanting in quality and utterly disgusting. And yet the imbecile, knuckle dragging fundamentalists of the Repubican party support him in battalion strength. How can we have come to have so many awful people in such a grand and good Christian society?

Lurid hatred would close our doors to those our founding fathers promised sanctuary. The platform to do just that is perhaps the best indicator of the true character of the Trump constituency, as well as the Turd Cruz constituency. Cruz, also known as El Fecalito, would even exclude his own people to get political support from the worst elements of fundamentalists. Everyone with any sense at all knows that our immigrants are the best fuel for our positive future. How can even the most absurd among us not see that? Assholism, that’s why! And so you can easily see that God gave us a special protological challenge by creating so many more assholes than just those at the bottom of our spines. It is therefore up to us to cure the asshole issues that confront us.

The Repubicans do not have a monopoly on terrible people. What then is the answer to voting for a few of a lot of folks you really would not want to spend any time with?

The answer is to vote by issue, not by person. Pick the issues you want to be supported, hold your nose, and vote for those who support your favored issues. That is the only successful treatment against assholes yet discovered by God’s own proctologist.

By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
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