This tutorial will have no value to the mediocre and obscure. If you are a nonentity, who would wish to deprive you of your identity? Forgetaboutit!
It is intended to address the concerns of meself, me dear friends and our ilk, concerning whose intrinsic characteristics the replication of which, one may easily posit, would be highly desirable.
Were you, for example, to familiarize yourself with the personae of me dear friend Boudreaux, or peruse the screed of meself as expressed within this compendium, or drool over the prospect of being like Dave Wilson, or have the brain and intellectual capabilities of Rob Browning, you would be expected to harbor sentiments of desire/aspiration to be counted amongst our midst. It is, therefore, against such as you that we deem ourselves in need of greatest protection.
Should that statement cause you to think you have just been hit by a shit storm of egocentricity, that thought in itself demonstrates the validity of the contention. For, if you were not coveting our society, you wouldn’t be reading this in the first instance. So there!
Awareness of this need came to me in contemplation of various adulatory encomia expressed by acquaintances and clients, as well as assorted women of itinerant intimate circumstances in the past. Having had their lust exquisitely gratified, they often proclaimed their desire for me to deposit my essence, somewhat as an imprimatur upon their capabilities as it were to excite and exhaust one’s most compelling needs. It then occurred to me that at times in the distant past, specimens of meself had been left in potentially pernicious locales – pernicious in the senses that genetic mixology could have been facilitated, and that the associated economic consequences of that admixture might have deprived me of many an opportunity for mindless diversion. For the linguistically challenged, I could have been socked with obligations for child support. Worse yet, now that cloning is afoot, I could have been replicated ad nauseam without the slightest concern for my feelings in the matter or for any quality control.
Thankfully, procreative risk can be eliminated surgically. See the story of that great episode at Gittin-Fixed-Just-Another-Sterling-Moment-in-the-Life-of-Seamus-Muldoon.htm. It is the habit of males not to do that until it is too late that causes a search for other, artificial constructs for the reduction of opportunities to find that you have been replicated. Unfortunately, when it is said and done, artificial constructs have the limitation that elimination of risk is not provided. Rather, it is the prospect that a subsequent available remedy (usually monetary) may deter misconduct. As misconduct is not eliminated or seriously mitigated by other similar socio-legal constructs, it would be ridiculous to expect this prophylactic to be without leaks.
You can eliminate the possibility of impregnation by having a vasectomy or by being gay. You can no longer feel safe from replication. The essence deposited upon the rim of a wine glass; a strand of hair left where strands of hair tend to get left, can be used to replicate you even more exactly than would be the case were you to impregnate someone.
You can’t patent your semen for numerous reasons. Among them are that disclosure of prior history in the patent application would require DNA research beyond the monetary capability of most males; and that the patent statute prohibits the issuance of a patent where the product has been “on the market” for more than a year prior to the date of the patent application. So patent law provides no help. Copyright law should help if you consider yourself a composition of original material, but copyrights only protect the style of expression and not the “information” contained in the work. Genetic information would seem not amenable to protection under copyright law. That leaves only trade mark law. Trademark law holds promise, as a trade mark is a source identifier. The trade mark Chevrolet speaks to an automotive product the source of which is General Motors Corp. Passing off is the great offense that trade mark law seeks to address – the attempt by someone to produce a product like yours and sell it under your product designation/name. YEA!!! BUT!!!
A fundamental aspect of trademark protection is that the owner of the mark has a history of protecting how the mark is used, limiting users to only those whose quality control and scope of use is tightly governed by enforceable agreements. The failure to police use is considered abandonment under trade mark law. Which leaves us on the horns of our own horniness. If, even in some belief that your sexual partner is using birth control, you have been distributing your “product” into channels where replication is possible, without actually verifying the birth control protocol and without enforceable agreement limitations, you probably have no recourse to trade mark law when that phone rings and the party on the other end says “GOTCHA!!!”
No one has to commit a crime in order to get a grip on your finances. Worrying about theft of your credit cards or bank account numbers fails to account for the perfectly legal act of giving you a great screwing and using your ejaculate to create a cosigner privilege on everything you own, for at least 18 years. There is no law that today provides the same right to fleece you by genetic replication through cloning, but why bother with the complications and expense of cloning when the price of a hotel room will do the job. I call it the screwing you get for the screwing you got.
Where does that leave us? We’re back to the old standby, the vasectomy. GIT ‘ER DONE!!!
A vasectomy is relatively inexpensive. If you comply with the doctor’s post op instructions, you heal up quickly and without discomfort. The process of purging your system of sperm that were in the system at the time of the operation, of making certain that your future ejaculate is not chock-a-block with live ammo, is very pleasant. You simply jerk off at least 18 times and bring the 19th squirt to the doctor’s office so they can scope it to be sure there is nothing swimming around in there. If your girlfriend likes games, those first 18 orgasms will be great fun and will be accomplished in a day or so. If you are less capable than your average red neck, it might take you a week or so to get to number 19. After that, when you look down and take your pecker in hand and start to talk to it, you are no longer asking it not to get you into trouble. It has become your financial friend as well as your team mate. You can now pal around with it without angst. You still have to avoid putting it into the wrong cruise ship where the passengers return from the cruise poisoned and sick as dogs. But that requirement was always there anyway. Unprotected screwing with someone known to be disease free is now your new horizon. YEA!!
I can testify from personal knowledge that angst free fucking is far better than watching football or golf on TV. Moreover, daily sex is among the most good health producing things that a man can do for himself. See Practice-Makes-Perfect.htm elsewhere in this compendium. Daily sex will prevent prostate cancer in any man who does not have a genetic indicator of high risk. What produces most prostate malignancy is infrequent ejaculation. Like any other part of your body, the more you use it, the healthier your prostate will remain. Biblical admonitions against mindless sex for no purpose other than it feels so damn good did not come from God. God didn’t tell you not to work out. A universal absolute is that exercise promotes good health in normal people. There are now so many church congregations where good news and the enjoyment of life is preached, that you might consider leaving any church with a preacher who doesn’t get much and consequently doesn’t believe you should get much either. Find a rich church where the preacher has a really hot looking wife. You know that everyone in that congregation is just fucking himself to death. It’s also probably a good place to meet chicks – not as good as Muldoon’s Pub, but better than what you’re doing now. Get into sensitivity training and learn about tantric screwing. Your girlfriend will love you for it.
By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
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