Muldoons Embraces Smarm

By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
Copyright © 1997-2017
All Rights Reserved

Hypocritical, complacent, condescending, effusively pseudo earnest, smug – DISGUSTING – often associated with people who use artificial pretense to faith as a means to get business.

ADVERT IN HOUSTON YELLOW PAGES – Bible Believing Lawyer – and his car license plate says “Blessd”.

ADVERT ON HOUSTON TELEVISION – Christian Law Firm – Serving You Through Service to Christ

What does a bible believing lawyer bring to the job that an agnostic with the same experience will not be able to provide? Considering that Christ laid a curse on all lawyers, according to Luke’s Gospel (Luke 11:45-52), how unlikely would you be to believe anything either of these lawyers might say to you? And “What…(you might ask)… is the difference in the wording of the contingent retainer agreement used by these bozos from the wording of the retainer agreements used by Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Agnostics and Atheists who also do personal injury, contingent fee negligence litigation, divorces, criminal work and real estate closings?” Is the fee percentage of the recovery higher, lower or the same if you hire a Christian or other bible believing lawyer, than if you hire a lawyer whose allegiance to God may be more opportunistic than continuous?

Where can you go to find out whether bible believing and Christ serving lawyers typically achieve greater success than their hell bent competitors? Ultimately, if you are thinking of suing someone, don’t you want the meanest, dorsal fin, six rows of teeth, shark, sumbitch lawyer more than some smarmy church lizard? At least with the shark, you might think you have a better chance of getting a big verdict. Ask any client whether he wants the right verdict or a big verdict in his favor! After all, if you get more than you think you deserve, you can always donate the overage to a worthy cause, right?

One might ask a really piercing question here - - If this person really has come to a profound understand of what Christ taught/tried to teach us, why is he using his religious affiliation as a sales tool in the common economic marketplace? Would Christ think this advert is appropriate, or would He rather throw this bum out like He did the other moneychangers in the vestibule of the Temple?

Why is it that unctuous, sanctimonious sumbitches always smile with that shit eating smile you just want to slap off their faces?

It’s called the smile of the blessed/blest (as in too blest to be stressed). I’ve been saved, so I don’t have a thing to be worried about and can go around with this smug shit eating smile all the time. You can also see a smile like that on the faces of most imbeciles. It is a practiced contrived counterfeit artifice, practiced before mirrors, and then paraded in public like some sort of mask. And, like anyone wearing a mask, it is for the purpose of concealing the real lowlife pervert who lurks just beneath the surface. A similar smile can be observed on the face of any village idiot who has learnt to masturbate.

We have a rather spectacular person of that ilk here in Houston. He is a well known “doctor” who customarily and falsely claims to be a board certified specialist and who operates several clinics around town. His medical practices are noteworthy for being held in the very lowest regard by his peers, and they are calculated to enthuse his unfortunate patients to purchase various pharmaceutical concoctions that, since they are never prescribed by anyone else, may only be purchased from him. When caught in the act by some media expose, he changes his web sites temporarily to delete the most egregious false claims, at least until the media storm has passed, and then returns to his shenanigans. All the while he is on the war path to support godliness in politics, supporting the extreme Christian right wing candidates at every turn, and lobbying against sinners, seeking the adoption of laws to deprive those whose beliefs do not match his own of rights and privileges normally thought to be an entitlement of one and all. He is summed up by stating that, though he would lie, cheat and steal, he stands four square against sin.

Axiomatic truth: If you really do have the good fortune to come to a real understanding of grace, you will automatically know better than to walk around with a shit eating smile all the time like bozo the clown.

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, according to Newton’s third law of physics. On Channel 14 here in Houston, we have wall to wall television devotion to God and fund raising. On one such feature, which I accidentally tuned into, the screen was filled – and I mean filled – with the overfed physiognomy of a large redneck Wagnerian woman wearing makeup that had to have been put on with a spoon. At one time in her life – probably when she was seven years old – she may have been cute – not pretty – just cute. Throughout the ensuing 35 years she has – from the obvious appearance – recovered several times from alcohol abuse, and accomplished the recovery by sublimating with sweets and animal fats. If you can imagine Tammy Faye Baker at her most made up, but 65 pounds heavier, you would be getting warm here. On this show the shtick is crying jags. It is chockablock with “stories” of miraculous recoveries and of people brought back from ”the edge” through tuning in and praying and sending in “offerings”, all told with a finishing flood of tears that cascade down the bloated painted face of this sweat hog. The obvious miraculosity simply overwhelms this woman at the end of every story. It is the same phony trick that politicians use when making speeches and referring to a fictitious person who, as they always tell it, approached them at some appearance somewhere to recount their personal experience encountering the precise problem that would be cured by his/her election. In the case of the television fund raising preacher, however, it is always a letter – a pathetic missive that always ends with praising God and stating that money is enclosed to help further this worldwide ministry of something or other. If there is a point at which disgusting merges with humorous, this program is it.

Somewhere there is a body of market research that has identified every idiosyncratic demand pool for religious fund raising appeals. And so, from the heavy breathing, perpetually excited about Jesus, smiling people to the tearfully overwhelmed by miraculously wonderful story endings, there is a preacher and blonde of every possible configuration, with excited/pathetic music to match. No trailer park is left untouched by some appeal or other.

That this pseudo devotional portrayal promotes ignorant extremism to a dangerous degree is perhaps best evidenced by the fact that several times a week on television the movie “Inherit The Wind” is replayed. In that movie there is a portrayal of the Scopes “Monkey Trial”, the famous trial about whether one should be allowed to teach evolution in school. These freakers always end up trying to limit education to “what it says in the Bible”. Even in this day and age that battle still rages in states where one might think folks had come to appreciate at least at some rudimentary level that science has raised our awareness of how things really work in the world. This morning, as I write this, the news has it that the Kansas State Board of Education will limit the teaching of evolution on the grounds that it is largely unproven and that teaching it will undermine the teachings of the Bible concerning the origins of life. Evolution as a largely unproven theory in the year 2005 can only be a position taken by nut cases. When the board of education is ruled by ignoramuses like that, don’t expect the next generation of folks from Kansas to be leaders in any great achievements in the age of technology. The big joke, of course, is that creationism and evolution are the very same exact story, for in both scenarios there is a first moment of creation followed by millennia of development and “improvement”.

Evangelical enthusiasm always leads to fanaticism, the promotion of ignorance and the denial of equality of standing to people of the female persuasion. It also leads to stupid laws and tragic consequences for many. Witness last year’s ordeal of that poor Schiavo woman who had to spend years dying because an intrusive government outlawed her being allowed to have a dignified release from an impossible life as a complete vegetable. Who can forget the phony, sanctimonious posturing by the governor of Florida and that consummate asshole of an attorney general, John Ashcroft, for the purpose of prolonging her suffering in the name of holiness? What bullshit!

But every cloud has a silver lining, and Muldoons has been divinely provided with the opportunity to capitalize on circus level evangelical smarm. And why, I ask you, should we shrink from an opportunity to capitalize upon the evangelical fervor? If the Lord put the largest church in the world, recently remodeled at a cost of $ 95,000 000, with a Sunday service loose plate collection exceeding $ 250,000 at each of two services every Sunday, just across the freeway from Muldoons, should we not rise to the occasion?

As you might well imagine, this mega church comes with its own blonde assistant minister, who is married to the CEO Minister. To give the devil his due, this gal is really hot looking, and she looks like she bathes regularly, has excellent taste in clothes and make up, and works out – definitely low carb and lots of salads.

They specialize in folks who like to pray standing up while they extend their arms to the sky God and roll their eyes around in their heads like some kind of nervous tick. They never go anywhere without carrying their Bible in their hand. Whenever I see people with their hands in the air, what comes to mind is people being put under arrest. But I guess it’s a great show, because you don’t bring in that kind of loose plate cash with fat ugly broads crying about terminal illnesses and broken legs. The church used to be the arena where our NBA team played. That ought to give you an idea of how many it seats.

The Houston Chronicle recently ran a story about how the opening of this mega church is benefiting the restaurants in the area, and that gave us an idea. Anyone who has ever been in Atlanta while the Southern Baptist Convention is going on knows that booze sales go up in direct proportion to the religiosity of any event. I remember one trip to Atlanta for a court appearance where I stayed at the Westin Hotel and it was chock-a-block with Southern Baptists for the convention. You couldn’t get your morning coffee in a coffee cup because – so I was told – the Baptists had all the cups in their rooms and were drinking booze out of them so people would think it was coffee.

And I thought the Baptists had come out of the closet and were now drinking in front of each other. I also heard that Baptists won’t make love standing up because someone might think they were dancing. But that’s another story. In fact, however, the trend today is for Baptist churches to stop referring to themselves as Baptist churches. Since the sobriquet Baptist connotes strict, no fun allowed, militant regimentation of life style, the Baptist church panjandrums believe they might attract more members, and hence more money, if they cooled it on using the identification “Baptist” whenever possible, especially in recruitment. Here in Houston one hears a great deal less about the Second Baptist Church, the biggest Baptist church in town. They have gone to referring to the church simply as “The Second”, as “We’re inviting you to come join us on Sunday at “The Second.” I think they got the idea from the Metropolitan Museum in New York City, that is commonly referred to as “The Met”. Visit The Met – Pray at The Second – Fellowship at Muldoons.

So it dawned upon us that if this new church was packing them in at the local area restaurants, and if religion drives folks to drink (as we all know it does), we ought to get a Sunday brunch deal going at Muldoons. But how to get them across the freeway is the catch. We have to use a fifteen passenger van, like they do at the airport to pick you up at baggage claim and drive you to the rent-a-car place to get your rent-a-car.  But the van signage can’t say Muldoon’s Saloon on the side, or no one will get on it in front of the church. By the same token, it has to have an identifier that scares off the old broads who would scream and faint when the van pulls up in front of Muldoons to let everyone off. Or, in the alternative, it has to be a van that the folks who would like to show up at church and then skip out to Muldoons until church is just about over will be able to recognize. We think it will be called the “Fellowship of Noah” van. After all, “fellowship” is the official euphemism for a group of religious people that is in the process of getting shit faced, isn’t it? And Noah was a vintner by trade. In that way, the church boozers won’t have their cover blown and can suck down Irish coffee, Margheritas and bloody marys and still get credit for Sunday attendance at church services.

What we came up with is a reverse “secret shopper” approach. We plant “bird dogs” in the congregation to spot the guys who are bored and would just as soon scram the hell out of there and have a few. If we are really good at profiling the bar flies in church, we ought to be able to keep the van cycling back and forth about every twenty minutes. With attendance at each service over 20,000 people, we ought to be able to get volume up to where we can keep four or five vans busy all Sunday morning. Obviously there will be a crunch about fifteen minutes after services begin and again on the returns about fifteen to twenty minutes before the final benediction. But we aren’t there yet, and when that crunch starts becoming hot and heavy, we’ll figure out how best to manage the traffic. Imagine that. Sunday morning rush hour at Muldoons, courtesy of the world’s largest church!

Then we decided that we would install televisions around the joint on Sunday mornings with the television broadcast of the service. They have great television exposure, and with the show on the screens at Muldoons, everyone at Muldoons can truthfully say that they attended the entire service. What a stroke of fucking genius! It’s like God’s own bloody saloon!

We know that the congregational committee on being sanctimonious will eventually find out about the annex service at Muldoons, and we have to come up with some way to get those sumbitches off our backs. One of us will simply have to join the bloody church and be a dues paying member. We can also tithe a percentage of the take on Sunday mornings. And we can buy a public service kind of advert in the church bulletin – some kind of smarmy temperance message against boozing, carousing and chasing pussy on Sunday. We would have to clean up the language a bit better than that, but that’s the right tone, don’t you think. After all, Budweiser does it in their beer adverts, admonishing everyone disingenuously to “Drink Responsibly”, knowing all the while that no beer drinker on earth would ever pay any attention to that message. It’s today’s politically correct way to show that you are truly caring about some public interest position when you really couldn’t care less.

Corporate caring is different from caring by some actual person. A person may have some level of moral compunction. Companies are legal fictions and have no possibility of compunction because they don’t really exist. They are pretended entities that exist only for the purpose of insulating their owners from liability. As such, they tend to confer a degree of anonymity upon their owners in most instances. Publicly held companies confer almost total anonymity upon their owners. The practical result is that companies don’t have to care about anything that is not mandated or prohibited by some statute. However, as an advertising posturing matter, they want to give the appearance of being capable of human sentiment, so they produce adverts that pretend to a level of concern that they could not possibly have about this or that public issue of sentimentality. You can’t hold an alcoholic beverage company liable for injury to anyone who consumes too much of their product. So the company doesn’t have to give a shit about how much you drink. Since a saloon actually sells it to you drink by drink and is in a position to observe the burgeoning effect of serving drinks to you, the saloon can be held liable for your subsequently driving at high speed the wrong way down the freeway and killing a beautiful Anglo Saxon family with three blonde, blue eyed small children while they were on their way to church. From this combination of facts, one can posit that an insurance company that issues a general liability policy to a saloon could actually “care” about how much you drink, because if you get shit faced in a bar that they insure, they could have to pay for the damages you cause to that Anglo Saxon family. Thus, as anyone can see, where liability is involved and money might have to be paid, a fictional company model might be capable of “caring” at some level. Got it?

In order to be able to open on Sunday morning and serve alcohol, we will have to serve a meal, so that it’s a brunch license for Sunday brunch, not just an illegal boozer open illegally before it is allowed to do so on the Lord’s day. As we not have significant space for kitchen capabilities, something that can be done in a galley like they have on trains would do. A two burner LPG gas unit, a microwave and a toaster, with maybe a small deep fat fryer and a small reach in fridge should do it just fine. Sunday boozers are usually somewhat hung over from Saturday night, which is one of the things that makes going to church on Sunday morning such a bloody awful ordeal. A ham/bacon and egg sandwich on toast with frites and a bloody mary or three would be just the thing. Of course, once we can “serve”, it really doesn’t matter what they drink, as the whole bar stock would be available. Certain absolutely awful choices have automatically been ruled out. No salads; no oatmeal; no eggs benedict or fru fru shit. No fucking desserts either. Nothing that women might like to eat. We’re not there on Sunday morning for the ladies. Just real Texas grease eatin boozers. Also, if the ladies remain absent, no one will have to watch what he says just because it’s Sunday. We will have the church services on the television, but no one said there has to be any sound. It can be on mute and we can play good old boy country and western music or whatever else happens to make folks feel better and want to drink. We don’t need any bimbos either. No one will be there lookin to get laid. Hell, most church goin guys can’t get it up on Sunday anyhow. Between guilt and being hung over, they’re lucky if they can just keep from throwing up. There’s that wonderful Sunday morning hymn the lyrics of which go “I’m two beers away from a beautiful day, after a night on the town. Two beers away – just two beers away – if I can just keep em down.”

All we have to do now is learn to paste on that sanctimonious shit eating grin and Sundays will be wonderful at Muldoons.

By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
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