Practice Makes Perfect

By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
Copyright © 1997-2017
All Rights Reserved

It is a law of nature that what is exercised remains healthiest, and that what is neglected will wither, sicken and die. That does not mean that everything that gets a lot of use will never get sick. Sometimes there are other factors, like genetics or contagion, that can override the agenda notwithstanding the best intentions and practices, and your prostate ends up looking like a Vidalia onion anyway. But, for a maxim that is extremely reliable, this one is hard to beat.

The biggest problem that men have with accepting this prescription for male health is that they have been programmed by religion and social mores to reject anything that includes sexual activity that is not associated with church sanctioned relationships and practices. Somehow, the notion of getting some strange pussy isnít that onerous if one doesnít get caught and if the girl isnít a close relative (cousins are OK Ė I mean, if she isnít good enough for her own folks, why would anyone else want her?), but it stops there. There is such an overlay of guilt associated with regarding oneís reproductive system as just another system of the male body that has to be used and maintained just like biceps and calf muscles, hearts and lungs, that hundreds of thousands suffer extreme sickness and die of malignancies that, for the most part were easily avoidable.

We get up and walk, play tennis, play golf because it is good for us and itís enjoyable. Why not use that as the guide for other things that will help us be well and happy into our dotage? Even Alzheimers sufferers can get off Ė and the grin on a post orgasmic whacked out geriatricís face tells you that itís the best treatment he could ever receive. Inasmuch as no Alzheimers patient will ever recover to the point of usefulness, a beneficent end of life therapy would be a daily dose of erection enabling pharmaceuticals, no matter the contraindications, and Internet access on demand to porn web sites. When one considers the ridiculous birthday presents the families bring to geriatric inmates that represent an affront more than a celebratory act of love, the daily hard on and ejaculatory release is certainly the kindest and most loving gesture. That approach to the management of the disabled elderly would also lower the expenses associated with patient management/care. Post orgasmic geriatrics only want to dose off. Only the perverse wing nut pseudo morality of government morons and sanctimonious church fuck personalities could think up and maintain the present system of managing old age disability. The present system enables opportunists to suck the government and insurance company titties dry and make ďnursing homeĒ fortunes. Every elderly inmate should be issued a monogrammed Trisha The Trailer Park Tramp Pocket Pussy to whack off in when they first arrive at the home. I donít know what would be a representative approach for the old ladies in the home. I guess that will just have to wait until some feminist advocate decides to write some public service blog of her own that advocates sexual assistance for the old broads. On the other hand, women being inherently smarter than men, they probably already know what to do and have already been doing it, but discretely. That would explain the great sales success of the Naughty Nikki Jello Dong Jack Rabbit.

The best practices approach to male reproductive health would be to get laid at least five times a week. While that isnít a strain for some of us, even past 60, for most of us, getting laid is a lot of work for which we really arenít suited. Face it, to get laid frequently, someone not only has to like/love you a lot, but the manner of your approach to sexual intimacy with her must be such that she just canít wait to get her clothes off and jump your bones. If you donít/canít get your sweetheart in that mood that frequently, you have to part with a lot of cash, as compensated nookie aint cheap. Men arenít suited to be so loving in intimacy because we have been socialized to think that women owe us sex on demand because we married them/take them out to dinner/buy them cars and jewelry/have a steady job/etc. This would be a wonderful doctrine except for the fact that it isnít so and it doesnít work. When sex is a chore, like taking out the garbage, they just donít get that excited about it.

There is a pattern of sexuality in most male-female relationships. The pattern is that in the beginning a woman will fuck your brains out. Men, being the stupid shits that we truly are, think that Ė HEY! Ė I finally found someone who thinks Iím the greatest sex partner/lover/hottest fuck she ever met. NOT!!! Because we are so stupid, we think that frequent sex is true love and everlasting. WRONG!! That ďwarrantyĒ period intro pussy is just a manipulative tactic, even if they enjoy it more than we do. They know that we are easily enslaved when frequently exposed to pussy. Getting your brains fucked out is consistent with being truly loved. But it is also consistent with capture. Men never really know which it is, and itís usually a mixture of capture and affection. Very few of us can keep it so exquisitely wonderful for our women that they remain constantly tumescent and yearning for us to give Ďem a poke. The rest of mankind has to ďmake doĒ.

For most men, early relationship sexual frequency sooner or later begins to wane until you find that youíre only getting it about twice a week. At twice a week, itís over. From then on all sex will simply be accommodative. You will also get it on vacation trips, your birthday, when you give nice presents, and other assorted special occasions, including when she wants you to do something that you would only agree to do without resistance when youíre getting your knob jobbed. You will have to find other ways to fill in the gaps or move on to another new relationship and start getting that frequent promotional pussy again.

There are situations in which a woman craves a lot of sex and is in a mismatched relationship with a man who canít handle the demand. She, of course, being smarter than a man, will arrange to have an ardent lover on the side or just move on to a new relationship with some guy who can get it up all the time on short notice and even after drinks and dinner. Life sometimes just aint fair. You have to overcome adversity, and women know how to do that better than men. If George Bush is really interested in finding weapons of mass destruction, he has only to look between a womanís legs. Pussy has destroyed/consumed/forced the transfer of so many assets that the power of pussy is certainly the most destructive force on the planet. This week it is reported that by 2020, over half of Britainís millionaires will be women who, by 2025, will control 60 % of the nationís private wealth. It goes on to say that historically the source of that wealth has been marriage, divorce and inheritance.

If men and women were really smart, they would ignore dalliances by their partners, and in fact be grateful to the third party for taking up the slack. But that is usually precluded by the notion that sheís/heís mine. Today there is the additional fear factor that dalliances increase the likelihood of contracting a loathsome disease, so safety valve fucking wonít work like it used to. One might, for example use the Prince of Wales gambit and find a truly hideous old hag on the assumption that she is so bloody ugly that you must surely be the only one shagging her. Her credentials are that her grandmother was his grandfatherís favorite whore. If you have the stomach for it, you can look for your own Camilla.

For men there is another stop gap measure through which they can order up a woman on the Internet. Dozens of web sites offer to hook you up with a ďtraditionalĒ woman who knows how to treat a man with respect. She does not argue. She is obedient. She expects to do household chores without complaint. She does not expect you to spend money on her for presents or lavish entertainment. Most importantly, in her culture she knows that womanís duty is to open her legs (straight from Anton Chekov, Hughie Long and Hughie Newton). These women are all described as young and beautiful and are primarily from Caucasian cultures that were once part of the Soviet Union. Their circumstances are so absolutely and unspeakably awful that they will come here and live with/marry even you. The introduction services teach them personal hygiene Ė that you must keep your legs, armpits and toes shaved clean and take a lawn mower to that pubic jungle once in a while.

Men who utterly lack talents that enable the establishment of loving relationships with women are told that this is the woman of their dreams. The whole thing is a fraud, of course. Not long after the mail order woman is established in your domicile, her mind starts to work toward getting rid of the bozo who was used to get her into the United States. You will be lucky if she doesnít stick an ice pick into your heart. The truth is that no woman wishes to be considered in the way the men who ordered them up consider women. It is bloody awful to be so disrespected and used. The women view their tenure with you as some penance to be served until they can make more acceptable arrangements. These men are, for the most part, abusive, inconsiderate and inadequate pigs. But, HEY Ė if it works for you for a while, why the hell not?

I used to know one such person, a lawyer of Middle Eastern origins, who went back to his home country to find a bride from some tribe up in the mountains. His criteria were that she be totally uneducated except in the traditional tribal ways of female servitude. She could speak no language other than the local language. She must never have heard of a shopping mall; never have seen television; and never been outside the company of her mother. His uncle found one such girl for him, and he went there forthwith to get married. He brought her back to Detroit and installed her in a small house next to his parentsí home. They were to keep watch over her while my friend was at work. She was not permitted to have any friends, as these other women, though of the same culture, had become Americanized and would spoil her by teaching her to speak English, to drive a car and to find her way to shopping malls and, heaven forbid, teach her ways to avoid sex if she wasnít in the mood.

Bigamy works for a while if you regularly travel between the same two cities and make enough money to maintain two families, and especially if you live in Utah. Itís no coincidence that the religion having the most prominent bigamous population also forbids drinking alcohol. Booze consumes the money required for bigamy and the energy required to take care of multiple women on a regular basis.

None of these ďmeasuresĒ represents an effective avenue to future genito-urinary health. Eventually one must simply come to terms with the notion that sex for one is a viable and acceptable approach to future fitness. In this modern era we have no excuse for being unaware of the fact that prostate problems can disable you, make your life a living hell and kill you. With that in mind, and keeping also in mind that we are put here to do our best to optimize the quality of our life in every possible dimension, we must kick away the traces of pseudo morality that denigrate wanking.

It is perfectly acceptable to lie to children to try to keep them from masturbation. Children are told they will be made blind and crazy if they self gratify. All that is, of course, totally phallacious. Conjuring up horrors regarding masturbation is common and acceptable practice in all western cultures. Well, Iíll give you some insight into a real horror that will most certainly befall you if you donít wank your self to joyful oblivion in your dotage. Visualize your poor prostate gland, engorged to the point of back up with semen that doesnít get fresher just sitting there. Eventually your poor prostate is engorged with a cheese like mush that becomes infiltrated with infection, enlarging it to the urination blocking state that requires treatment. Frozen in pseudo moral reluctance, you can persist in not touching your dick thinking that in so doing you are securing for yourself a place in paradise. You are not going to paradise if you allow your prostate to explode into a malignant and agonizing Limbergeresque destroyer of life. Paradise is attained by using your imagination in concert with your hands to gratify your requirements and create wonderful sensations that enhance every aspect of your perspective on life its own self. The right thing to do is always that which is the most rational. Self inflicted suffering is never rational and is never the right thing to do, except in the mind of an imbecile. The slow and agonizing death from spreading malignancy is Godís punishment imposed on you for disregarding the gifts that have been given to you by your Creator.

While being a wanker is a most negative descriptor in a non sexual context (as in business dealing for example), in a sexual context it is not a negative reference at all. It is a most gratifying, healthful, non threatening way to manage what needs to be managed and, for some men, simply cannot be managed if it requires the willing participation of someone else every time one does it. Eventually most women come to experience a diminution of sexual desire and some form of chronic vaginal dryness Ė awful thought that. Some do not, and the men who are the lovers of such women are indeed fortunate. Most men are not so fortunate, and must therefore adapt or die miserably.

Wanking requires for its most competent enjoyment that one have an imagination and be capable of fantasy. Fantasy, in its place, is a wonderful capability. One should work constantly on developing ever more competent sexual fantasy. We already have a highly developed fantasy capability in financial reporting and in evaluating geopolitical risk. Sexual fantasy is one of the most rewarding aspects of maturity. It is an enabler. The proper sort will know instinctively that fantasy is just that. It is not to be translated into some reality mode that encourages wanton promiscuity or the molestation of the young. Then, of course, it would no longer be fantasy, but gross stupidity and criminality.

Fantasy has a long established place of acceptability in all civilized societies, and is practiced regularly in connection with self gratification by men and women. Resources catering to self gratification and fantasy abound on the Internet for men and women. Examples are , and . It is officially sanctioned at the White House, where the high panjandrum of official Washington wanking is Skippy, The Bush Kangaroo.

Resort may properly be had to the textual library of fantasy enhancing literature and art. Luxuriate in it. At first it is probably best to do so in private and not to flaunt your vast collection of diverse fantasy enhancing materials. Just as one might lock guns to keep them from children, one treats his bibliotheca of sexual stimulators sequestered, even from oneís wife or consort. You will more easily have resort to it if others remain unaware of its existence, and your mate will be grateful to you for your discretion. If your mate chooses to make you aware that she knows about it, and she indicates a willingness/desire to participate in it with you, you will be amongst the happiest of men. Sharing sexual fantasies is excitement beyond measure. The probability is that she will know about it and choose not to participate or inform you that she knows about it. That too is a form of participation, for her own fantasies arise when she believes you are getting off with some notional stimulus, persuading herself that it is her you are having fantasies about. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Why on earth would one have fantasies about that which is familiar? Fantasies are for virtual events that are in reality quite out of reach.

Men are, for the most part, oblivious to the fact that women enjoy touching themselves every bit as much as we do. Women are taught to handle such things differently. They are more discrete about it. Were men more catholic in their understanding of gender similarities, a whole world of mutual self touching would open and provide many years of additional exquisite pleasure in that dimension of mutuality. Women have the same feelings and inclinations when young, and rub their sensitive parts against anything available when they think no one is looking. I first began to take notice of girls doing this when I was in middle school. Once you have witnessed it for the first time, you affirmatively look for it everywhere, and you find it everywhere. At least half of my adolescent erections were associated with observing some girl getting herself wet in public places. It is so normal and such a natural thing to do. What a shame and a pity that it is not enjoyed more openly. On the other hand, it could be said that clandestine intimate gratification techniques are, when observed by men, all the more erotic. When I am explaining to women the symbolism of phallic shaped vegetables, I always add the extraneous beneficent fact that when they are done with it, it can be eaten as food.

Once one begins to reach levels of self gratifying accomplishment beyond the merely pedestrian, vistas open in which experimentation provides pleasant surprises. If you have ever been in a pub in which masturbatory technique is the subject of discussion, you will be amazed to learn of the fertility of the human mind. For example, have you ever simply thought of turning your hand around so that your thumb and forefinger are closest to your body rather than farthest out. That simple nuance will, for a short time, make it seem like someone else is fondling you. Similarly, sitting on your hand before touching yourself until the hand goes numb is another way to simulate meeting a stranger. Switching hands, I am told, can make it seem that you are in the company of friends. Combine all three of those touches and you have a good hour or so of entertainment, the climax of which is truly climactic.

We now have pharmaceuticals, used in the main for erectile dysfunction, but which can be wonderful as recreational drugs. They work so effectively that porn stars use them daily at work to enable hours of production time in endlessly monotonous sexual encounter scenes. I have heard that producers of porno movies now provide in their actor contracts that the studio will, at its own expense, provide up to ten such pills per day of the actorís choosing. An indicator that pharmaceutical admonitions are mere politically correct gesturers without clinical significance is the fact that the warning about erections lasting more than four hours is so ridiculously stated. That anyone would ever call a doctor to remedy a four hour erection is about the most asinine statement imaginable. Amongst men age 60 and over, the four hour erection is cause to celebrate, to call your friends over for a photo opp, and to call in the evening news commentator with her camera crew to do a story about it to make dinner hour television so much more exciting and delightful. Priapism is not an illness amongst real men. Rather, it is a goal. As aesthetes may pray and meditate seeking Nirvana, the sexually competent geriatric fixes his gaze and concentration upon attaining priapism. Remember that the ingredients in any of these pharmaceuticals are natural materials that science has now discovered a way to compound for the purpose of enhancing the quality of old age. Donít waste the great opportunity that the Lord has set before you.

If you have pangs of guilt about any of this, assuage them by using recycled paper to dispose of your ejaculate. The claim that self gratification contributes to global warming, while technically true, is actually de minimis. Even Al Gore, that champion of awareness of the risks of global warning, has not suggested that anyone leave his dick alone as a practice calculated to save the world. If Al Gore has no trouble with folks wanking, why should you? In fact, anyone who watches his movie soon comes to sense that the tone of his commentary suggests that he is sitting there reading his script with one hand on his equipment. Everyone has always thought him a wanker anyway.

Finally, to lend a cultural aura to all this, consider that there is a world of truly fine art devoted to self gratification and to the depiction of the anatomy associated with intimate touchings. Creating your own personal collection of Ars Phallica et Vaginal would establish you at the pinnacle of anyoneís dinner invite list. Dining amidst your collection would assure that conversation will never lag at your table. If you configure the menu of the evening with the art collection in mind, you can count upon your guests touching themselves and each other throughout the evening. Their tumescences will so infuse the ambience that delicate sauces will simply go unappreciated, indeed hardly even noticed. The food should, therefore, be picante. It might be a good idea to use paper rather than cloth napery.

Go now and convert your misery into bliss, using what the good Lord provided for you.

By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
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