Rachel From Card Services

By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
Copyright © 1997-2017
All Rights Reserved

Do you receive robo calls, especially around meal times? Don’t you just enjoy the living shit out of those phone calls? Can you imagine that some people are so bloody lonely that they will stay on the line and respond to computers, pretending that they are really people calling to inquire about their well being and are trying to help improve their lives in some way that involves subscribing to this or that agenda or service? They actually talk to these fucking machines, because all the machines begin every conversation by identifying announcing that they are people with real names.

Most of the calls start with a greeting of some kind. The favorites are “Hi” and “Congratulations”. Lesser lights say “This is an important announcement” or “Don’t hang up” or they identify some specific issue they believe is common to the demographic bozo group they believe is answering the phone (which includes me, obviously). It could be about your roof or your insurance coverage and calamity exposure or even about your health. If you are not one of the drooling lonely millions just waiting for the phone to ring, even if it’s just a wrong number, it is easy to spot the robo calls. When you pick up the phone and say “Hello” you do not get an immediate response. It takes the calling computer a second or three to process the pick up and trigger the message. It is good fun to hang up before the thing can accomplish its auto greet. If you are in an appropriate mood, you can tell it to fuck off or castigate the morals of its mother. It’s only a fucking machine.

The computer voice, man or woman, sweet or savvy, urgent or solicitous, the names used are configured for various demographics and used over and over again. That is because one voice, one tone, one name and one gender will not entice every phone answering moron to stay on the line. Can you just imagine how these will happen once we get smell-a-phone, especially for those approaches that use sex as a selling tool?

These things must pay off or no one would use them anymore. Barging in at someone’s dinner hour must sell, Can you just imagine how dull dinner must be among some people for that kind of phone call to entice someone to stay on the line.

I have never stuck around for the full Monty, but it is my understanding that the compute puts you through a simple and very short exercise to qualify you as stupid enough to be worthwhile, and then you get transferred to some live person whose sad lot in life is to cold call and present a canned sales tract for hours on end. The computer at least screens out anyone intelligent enough to refuse responding.

So who gets past the computer to the bozo? Supporters of Donald Trump is the intellectual metric I use to describe these fools who stay on the line. And yes, these days some of the robo calls are very masculine, military sounding computer generated voices triggering in you the instincts characteristic to the aggressively patriotic – you know – the shirt wearers with the logos about bringing death to millions in the name of America and Jesus, and the pathological aggressives who loathe and despise everyone living outside a five mile radius from his house.

These often give out their credit card numbers and security codes to some total stranger promising to deliver something they think they just really have to have or claiming to represent some charity or movement targeted to this demographic. Some give out much more information than that when the caller asserts his affiliation with the IRS or the police or fire department. Those are the folks who got on the call list by “sharing” or clicking some FaceBook posting pandering to their paranoia – click/share if you support America – click/share if you truly love Jesus – click/share if you believe marriage should never be between a man and a house cat.

That which pops up into your dinner hour through your telephone also pops up in your computer screen when you go to some story or page you think might be interesting. Click bait augments the identity harvesting methods that most folks have yet to understand. Buying that cheap new product for $ 2.00, using your credit card on line happens tens of thousands of times every day. Of course, if you’re stupid enough to fall for that, you are also stupid enough to believe it when it is said that the thing is guaranteed for life, or money back guaranteed. When a fictitious seller offers you a guarantee it is the same as Donald Trump saying “Believe me”. DUH !!

Of late I have been working on what I believe would be an infallible robo call sales approach. “Are you in the mood for a fantastic blow job? Hi. I’m Rachel from Card Services. I want to come to your house and suck your dick until your fucking brains come out of it. Think of this as the best weight loss program you ever heard of, because when I am through with your dick, I guarantee you will weigh no more than 85 pounds. If you want your dick treated like it is absolutely the most fantastic and humongous pecker on the planet, let Rachel help you join the sucked dick club right now.” I am willing to bet that 80 % of the men who pick up on this call will give out their credit card numbers and security code, their names and addresses, their social security numbers (to verify their USA citizenship of course). Rachel does not want to suck the dicks of illegal immigrants. I would ask my girlfriend to configure an equally effective pitch to use on women, but she would simply refuse ever to have anything to do with me again. One of you women who read this need to please come up with a robo call sales tract that would get women to stay on the line at the same metric as this pitch works with “men”.

By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
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Copyright © 1997-2017 All Rights Reserved