The Muldoonian Sibship

By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
Copyright © 1997-2017
All Rights Reserved

We of the Sibship owe a great deal to the leagues of scoundrels, terrorists, mad bombers, drug cartelists, corrupt politicians, Christian fundamentalists and other assorted assholes who have for so long pre empted the news media, allowing us to lay in the weeds as we got organized and otherwise prepared to launch our programs, agendas, rants, blogs, assaults, criticisms, and assorted analytical commentaries. Now, we are prepared to launch ourselves upon a world ready to pay handsomely for our forbearance. This is gonna be some yummy shit!

The world is ripe for our takeover of everything, everywhere and all the time, forever. We are hip deep in ultra conservatism. The Mullahs, the Priests, the Rabbis and their minions roll their eyes around in their heads and droolingly slobber their ridiculous, corrupt and heartless insensitivity, seeking to regiment all and sundry to some modus vivendi that permits no deviations and anathematizes everyone that does not conform to whatever ridiculous fantasy doctrine they espouse. All sensible people now recognize them for what they are, and the world is on the brink of rejecting extremism. Fanatics with large followings will have to be regulated by war. Killing fanatics is a wonderful and humane thing to do.

What, you may ask, is the agenda of the Muldoonian Sibship? You will not be educated to that agenda unless and until you fit the Muldoonian Sibship profile and have received initiation. Those few extremely fortunate hundreds of thousands who have achieved the Muldoonianism imprimatur will be liberated from practically all of the evils that torment the minds and souls of most people. As mystic religions have been believed to be a path to Nirvana, and as Christ has defined the notion of grace, the Muldoonians have been freed from the intellectual and emotional fetters of narrow thinking so that the grace derivable from Christ’s messages may be approached without having to wander through ridiculously cruel mazes erected by institutionalized Christianity. Muldoonians are enabled to deal with Christ as Savior, Friend and Brother, one on one, face to face. And that is all you will be told of Muldooniansm for now.

In another dimension, however, I can safely inform you that, once received into the order, you will be entitled to all the benefits, privileges and advantages appurtenant thereto. In addition to the Hertz discount, the tee shirts, rings, assorted other affinity group jewelry, hats, jackets, lingerie, athletic paraphernalia and sex toys, you will be authorized to use the secret hailing sign, secret handshake and finger gestures that distinguish you from all others and identify you to others of your persuasion.

Muldoonians welcome everyone except slackers, illiterates, innumerates, the obese, those who refuse to work and produce, and bullies. We embrace all others who are as our Lord has created us, including (by way of illustration and not of limitation) gays, lesbians, all races, but only our creed – which is that folks should be free to do as their own good sense directs, so long as they are not harming others – don’t fuck with people. Those who express themselves with great imagination and enthusiasm, even the heavy breathers, are especially valued. Bar tenders do well as Muldoonians, as do barbers and massage therapists.

We have reincorporated many of the more delightful and enchanting Druidic events, exercises and rituals into our brand of Christianity, so that what we practice is a tad closer to what Saint Paul encountered when he wandered around selling Christianity franchises way back in the early days. As a Muldoonian you are requested to bathe whenever you encounter a stream or lake, and your bodily functions are performed much as the bears do. Thus, you may from time to time hear that humorous remark, “Do Muldoonians shit in the woods?” Like Pythagoreans of old, Muldoonians eat a lot of beans. Our favorite music reflects that the rectum was really the first wind instrument, which explains all Irish and Scottish music. Inasmuch as there are consequences to that aspect of one’s diet, and Muldoonians bathe only when they encounter streams and lakes, you can tell whether there are Muldoonians in the room by the ambient aroma. Beans and seldom washed underwear are what produce Muldoonian pheromones. Anyone who smells like Prada is definitely not a Muldoonian. On the other hand, not everyone who is fartistically enthused is a Muldoonian. Muldoonians never fart in church, because they don’t go to church. Muldoonians know how to pray without having to erect a building and hire someone to be their prayer coach.

Muldoonians have no candidates for any elective public office. To us it really doesn’t matter who is elected, as we are content to disparage any and every incumbent office holder. We are never affected by small minded criticisms because we didn’t vote but are perfectly willing to disparage. Small minded people are the ones who elected the bozos we dislike anyway. An excellent example of the futility of party affiliation is the current debacle. So many people professed faith in principles pseudo espoused by the Republican party, and now find themselves hiding in shame about the shambles to which the Republican “leadership” has brought so many of the functions of government. The great evangelical leader who regularly went to the White House to assist the Presidency concerning matters of Christ centered policies has been outed as a pervert who patronized male prostitutes regularly, and who, as in the instance of the other Republican “leaders” whose proclivities are now becoming public knowledge, once said he only went there for massages. HAHAHAHA! YEAH, RIGHT! The lowlife shyster attorney general of the United States, Alberto “Alzheimer’s” Gonzales is a total ethical failure, and the type of morally bankrupt asshole who did so well “Following Orders” during the Third Reich. No moral compunction stays his hand in trying to ruin professional reputations in order to get Carl Rove’s pal a job as a US Attorney or to please some Republican congressman who is trying to alter the normal course of case management in prosecutions to serve his election agenda. The neo-con putz Paul Wolfowitz who couldn’t get laid except for cash in front, got caught putting his personal pussy on the payroll of the World Bank and the State Department, who now insists upon making his stench a matter of personal and very public hubris out of sheer arrogance, has revealed himself for exactly what he is, a scumbag asshole who deserves the disgrace he insists upon having heaped upon his head like a bucket of shit.

The “high minded” hopefuls of the conservative right wing now cringe because they know that the electorate is about to run ‘em out of town and install – God save us – a Democrat who is either a woman or a black man (actually sorta mocha, not quite chocolate). If the Democrats start to flaunt their promiscuity, they will become heroes of truthfulness. Muldoonians never know that frustration and have no sympathy for anyone who pretends to believe in any political group. We know that any political group in power becomes just as corrupt as the present incumbents, no matter where they started from.

Unless starvation is at hand, Muldoonians never shoot anything that does not present a threat to them. Killing the defenseless is not a Muldoonian sport. What we like to eat may be purchased in a grocery store. Yes, we know that someone killed what we buy in the store, but we don’t give a shit about that. If God did not intend animals to be eaten by us, they would not be made of meat. Rather obvious when you think about it, what! In addition to that, there are so many people who need to be shot in order to preserve any semblance of peace that targets abound. A Muldoonian will never tell an adversary that if they don’t desist from their assault they will be shot. A Muldoonian will simply shoot the sumbitches. An important aspect of Muldoonian legal theory is the “The sumbitch needed killing” defense.

Muldoonians attract a very special and unusual kind of lover. Think about that.

Muldoonians tend to be in business for themselves. Working for others in corporate environments where one must pretend to believe in something they call “corporate culture” is for slaves. Corporate “culture” is just a form of intellectual suppression where intelligence is stifled. When you get right down to it, Muldoonians may lie, cheat and steal to feather our own nests, but we are reluctant to lie, cheat and steal to put money in someone else’s pocket. Consequently, when a Muldoonian is caught with his/her hand in it, the damages are slight. We don’t get the chance to rob thousands of millions. In the area of business fraud we are usually small fry, nickel and dime types. Illustratively, The Enron big shot thieves spent their pocket change at Muldoon’s Saloon, but no one at Muldoons was smart enough to catch on that Fortune 500 big wigs hanging out in Muldoons in the middle of the afternoon and running Enron from the bar using their cell phones and PDAs indicated an incredible short sale profit opportunity. It should have been a dead giveaway that fingering assistants that are electronic and not humans in short skirts was certainly perverse. Real Muldoonians like to rub their fingers over and into each other. If you think the ambient aromas of bean eating, seldom washed folks is titillating, you should be around when such folks really get aroused. Muldoonian tumescence suffuses the ambient air with intimations of ultimate paradise.

I am not permitted to attempt to describe for you what it is like to engage in Muldoonian sexual intimacy. You have to wait until you are initiated to acquire an appreciation of that exquisite phenomenon. Suffice it to say that the sisters of the Muldoonian Sibship tend to be somewhat feral. They have extremely keen instincts and can see into the truths of things quickly. They pick up on unspoken signals so subtle that in normal experience they would not be perceived by humans. They are very cat like in their level of perceptiveness, and tend to be smoothly feline in their movements as well, probably a cultivated trait. They have an extremely high level of native intelligence, and are accordingly unwilling to allow anyone to subject them to any form of oppression, no matter how slight. They can defend their intellectual and social turf so well that this ability is instinctively recognized by those who encounter them. A man must be a whole and secure man to win their favor, as they will not tolerate whiners and self denigrators. To ingratiate himself with them, a man must be very considerate, kind and generous emotionally and sexually. Those men who qualify are in every way unbelievably happy people. No book or movie could ever be produced that would adequately depict the extreme quality and joy of intimacy with them. It is way beyond the R C Cola and Moon Pie experiences that enthused our youth. When a Muldoonian Sister tumesces, birds sing and flower blossoms open.

Muldoonians love to ridicule the stupid. It’s our favorite sport. It’s a natural concomitant to having low regard for politics. We are convinced that stupid people were deliberately put here to be the butt of denigrating remarks. Life is so enriched by the fact that stupid people can be found in abundance employed in the formulation of government policies. Illustratively, if you were to search for the most cumbersome and expensive way to generate revenue to support the operation of the federal government, the U.S. Tax Code, which is nothing but welfare for accountants, is an exquisite example. When pharmaceuticals are too expensive, especially for the elderly, pharmaceutical companies can place incredibly stupid people into government positions and propose the adoption of a policy in which the government pays for drugs through the Medicare system. This infuses the drugs market with a big wad of money, enabling the drug companies to raise drug prices to absorb the extra resources. Those who lack pharmaceutical insurance coverage, young and old alike, also now have to pay twice what was required before the program was instituted. To be certain that there is no possibility of Americans escaping the overcharges, two other stupid policies are instituted. First, there is to be no government “bargaining” over drug prices as happens in the Veterans Administration. Secondly, cheaper drugs manufactured by the same companies to the same standards will not be permitted to be imported from Canada, a nation to our north that has not yet achieved our level of stupidity.

There are many more government agency positions that have to be staffed by morons, imbeciles and retards, so that the entire construct of government constantly produces one stupid policy after another. This is a constant, regardless of which party is in office. You can go to college and obtain a degree in government, a curriculum in which one immerses himself in a treasure trove of foolishness and, having mastered the foolishness to the point at which he can become a certified moron, he receives a degree in “Government Studies”. A high government official will, of course, be invited to speak at graduation exercises, at which s/he will be awarded an honorary doctorate degree in the idiotic specialty of his choice.

One must be careful to distinguish between the morons who operate the government and the much smarter corrupt organizations that get the morons to adopt policies that enrich the organizations who sell things that frequently are completely useless to the government. Now that takes brains! Any system by which the corrupt can convince the victims to employ morons so there is no protection against the consequences of the corruption is the product of pure fucking genius. Such people deserve our respect and admiration.

Muldoonians are intelligent enough to know that the corruption levels of government can’t really be lowered by more than a very slight degree. All you can do with government corruption is try to keep a lid on the worst of it. Face it. That’s the nature of governments and that is how it has always been. Muldoonians, therefore, being unable for the most part to master corrupt techniques that would enable us to feast at the banquet of corruption – stupid sumbitches that we are – content ourselves with bitching about it and occasional petty theft.

Aside from religion, the Muldoonian Trinity is food, wine and sex. Those two Trinitarian constructs make Muldoonians very happy people almost all the time. When you find yourself on the blog of a Muldoonian, there will always be a section devoted to gastronomy, no matter what else may there be dealt with. Fucking and drinking are universal constants, but somehow Muldoonians seem to do it on a higher plane. When someone approaches dehydration due to multiple orgasms, you can bet they are Muldoonians. It’s that intense. Muldoonian pussy tastes great too. No Muldoonian Brother ever tries to excuse excessive drinking with the lament that it takes a lot of heavy drinking to get the taste of pussy out of his mouth. Vaginal dryness is never a problem for any Muldoonian Sister, no matter what her age may be. Muldoonian Sisters constantly practice Kegel exercises when they are not being touched by their lovers. A Muldoonian vagina always tastes and feels like adolescent nookie. If you have ever enjoyed a freshly made perfect Ceviche, you know the taste and texture I am talking about.

When two Muldoonians are enjoying sexual intimacy, the totality of the mise en scene is the most exquisite expression of sexuality of which humans are capable. Their movements are so fluid; their touchings are so exquisitely light, growing in their tactile intensity with the tumescent tides of arousal. Their sounds and the ambient air blend with these impressionistic influences, ultimately crescendoing into the great spasmings of culmination suggestive of thunder and lightening. Frenzied ejaculatory bolts of agonizing passion consume them almost like Little Black Sambo’s story in which the tiger ran around the tree until he just melted into butter. There is no condiment that favorably compares with Muldoonian love butter.

I hope this vignette has provided you with a goal in life. You too might some day become a Muldoonian. It is certainly something worth working and waiting for. You may be somewhat put upon by those involved in the vetting process, as Muldoonians are known to take unfair advantage of applicants seeking endorsements. If you are clever enough to conceal most of your assets and not to have boasted of your wealth and economic acumen, you may have something left after the vetting committee is done fleecing you. Think of it as looking for a franchise to buy. You are frisked to find out what you have and then cajoled into relinquishing it through the use of exaggeration and overblown statements of quasi fact. Unlike franchising, however, when you finally get there, it is well worth the sacrifice.

By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
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Copyright © 1997-2017 All Rights Reserved