The Cowboy's Chair

By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
Copyright © 1997-2017
All Rights Reserved

The Cowboy was immediately recognizable as a most unusual feline. In the story Cowboy’s Way earlier in this series, his affection for the kitchen and all things culinary was an immediate part of his kittenhood. The pictures in that story say as much as the story itself. There has not been even one day when the Cowboy has not been Muldoon’s constant companion. He is the sous chef every day, beginning with breakfast and continuing throughout the day with every meal prep, every cooking session, sampling and tasting, joining in at actual mealtime to monitor the results of the kitchen and how it does or sometimes does not leave a positive impression on the experience.

When Muldoon goes grocery shopping there must first be an inventory taken to account for what is needed. The Cowboy never misses this either, and he can sense when. He goes up on the counters and with his paw opens the top cabinet doors, sticking his head into each cabinet, taking his own inventory, canned goods, dry goods, everything. If he could drive a car Muldoon wouldn’t even have to shop, as the Cowboy could handle it all by himself if the grocery store had personnel who could understand the Cowboy’s constant chatter, talking away about everything, no matter how insignificant.

At breakfast for example, he is at Muldoon’s hand every moment, from cutting bread to washing and cutting fruit and berries, peeling bananas, placing cereals out for selection and the proper plates, bowls and utensils for each option. He talks to Muldoon constantly, and if there is a lull, he insists upon jumping up on Muldoon’s shoulders and draping himself around Muldoon’s neck, taking a break with a neck cuddle, but still chatting away.

The Cowboy never allows anything to go to the table that he hasn’t tasted. Sometimes, when taste testing things like butter, he simply licks some right off the butter server stick. Mum gets all worked up over seeing him do this because she thinks it is unsanitary for a cat to lick the butter off your toast or off the butter in the server, but Muldoon points out to her that it has been so for many years with no adverse effects on anyone, and that, besides, if it isn’t good enough for Cowboy you sure wouldn’t want to eat any of it yourself. So Cowboy is doing everyone a big favor by tasting everything before the people get to try it.

Since Muldoon starts every day quite early for normal people, before even the Cowboy is awake, he sometimes takes a nap after lunch. The Cowboy follows him and curls up right next to Old Muldoon and takes a nap too. They are inseparable.

At precisely 4:30 every afternoon, rain or shine, the Cowboy goes to fetch Muldoon and interrupts whatever he may be doing. He jumps up on Muldoon’s desk and gets between Muldoon and the computer screen so that nothing can be done, chattering away and refusing to budge until Muldoon agrees that this is the end of work and it is time to proceed to the kitchen and begin dinner prep. If Muldoon happens to be on the phone at 4:30, the other person usually asks “Is that a cat?”

Muldoon winds it up and starts toward the kitchen, the Cowboy trotting just ahead of him, knowing exactly what to do first and what to do next and always right there. When the ceramic cook top has yet to be cranked up and is cool and safe, the Cowboy loves to lie down on its cool surface and just roll around on it in a delighted wallow, squirming and kicking his feet and meowing his delight. After his stove wallow, it is off to the table to sit and chat for a moment to assure that he and Muldoon have command of what the meal plan is and the sequence of preparing each component dish. This is always accompanied with cuddles and nuzzling and petting between Cowboy and his closest friend. If you were not there seeing it all with your own eyes it might be hard to believe all this, but nothing in this story is made up.

No pot or pan can be placed on the stove without Cowboy checking it out, He does this by sitting in the pot or curling up in the pan and relaxing there for a few moments. When he decides that it is appropriate for his mood he will get out of it and it can be used to cook with. Muldoon, as a gesture to Belinda’s fastidiousness, will wipe out the pan with a dry towel before using it.

Every evening at the dinner table there is a contest between Cowboy and Muldoon over Muldoon’s large comfortable chair. Cowboy loves that chair and makes moves on Muldoon to get him out of it so that Cowboy can curl up on it. Once he is in that chair he can be moved over to an ordinary chair, but that requires unsettling him from his favorite place and he is not happy. There finally came a time when Muldoon no longer had the heart to displace the Cowboy from his chair once he had taken it over and made himself comfortable in it. Belinda is certain that it is not the chair so much as that it is Muldoon’s chair, large and comfortable and with the essence of Muldoon on it from 25 years of it being his chair. Be that as it may, Cowboy wants that chair every evening and will not stop until it is his to enjoy for the evening. Muldoon simply moves the chair to the left and gets himself an ordinary chair for his dinner position.

There is an exception to this rule. If Muldoon for any reason doesn’t feel good, Cowboy senses that Muldoon needs a break and he will not get into the chair. That is simply amazing that he can sense that Muldoon needs the chair more than he does that evening. Even more amazing, Cowboy is also sensitive to when Muldoon is back to his old self, and he resumes his campaign to get that big comfortable chair for himself. The chair is a very large and exceptional leather driver’s seat for a big Explorer luxury van conversion, made into an office executive chair on rollers. It reclines, goes up and down and is otherwise configurable just it would be when installed in one of those big G Vans that Explorer produces. For several years, when old Bob Kesler, the founder of Explorer Van Company was alive, Muldoon represented the company in its occasional major legal cases, all of which came out extremely well in favor of Explorer Van Company. Bob Kesler and his regular corporate attorney found Muldoon when searching for an aggressive trial lawyer in one of those cases. It seems that the silk stocking law firm they had hired in Michigan just wasn’t getting the job done. Old Bob announced that he wanted the toughest son of a bitch in the world to represent him, and someone, one of Muldoon’s ex wives who happened to be a lawyer in that silk stocking law firm, immediately thought of Muldoon and told him that. They got in their jet plane and flew right down to Houston and met with Muldoon who told them on the spot what he would do if hired, and they hired him on the spot.

Bob was a Marine in the Pacific in World War Two, fighting island to island, tough as nails and bright as the sun. He started Explorer Van in his garage and built it into an enormously successful company through genius and hard work. He provided jobs for dozens of families directly and many more indirectly. He knew right from wrong and insisted upon the right.

The relationship was very close after that with one or two other fights that also turned out well. Bob Kesler had an Explorer Van driver’s seat made up as an executive office chair and sent it to Muldoon, along with matching leather carry on case, as a gesture of friendship. Muldoon’s big ass has been in that chair every day he has been in town for over 25 years. He likes it so much that he moved it home to be his chair at the table for all meals. It is just too sad that Bob Kesler cannot be here to see Cowboy cat scheming to get into that chair every single evening. He would certainly have a huge laugh at that.

Finally, after more than 25 years of supporting Muldoon’s big ass, the chair can no longer be repaired. But Muldoon will never just throw it out. He decided that while the chair could no longer be his chair, it was still perfectly suited to be Cowboy’s chair. So he went out and bought himself a new chair and has given this wonderful chair that he has loved for so long to the Cowboy. The scene at the table every evening now looks like a board room with two luxurious executive chairs pulled up to the table, one occupied by Muldoon and the other by Cowboy the cat.

Belinda was certain that the reason Cowboy wanted that chair all the time was because Muldoon had his “essence” on it for 25 years. She thought it was that bonding influence that propelled Cowboy’s insistence upon having the chair. Belinda expected that once Muldoon got a new chair, Cowboy would want Muldoon’s new chair rather than his own Explorer Van driver’s seat chair. The Cowboy’s chair had its leather upholstery impregnated with the aromas of Muldoon having sat in it, rain or shine, sick or well, and you know how animals just love “odd” aromas. But such was not to be. Cowboy never fails to head straight for his own chair and once he is in it, you can easily see that he asserts his dominion over it as a prized possession. Belinda doesn’t know it, but Muldoon hedges the bet by going over and sitting in Cowboy’s chair every now and then when he feels a gas attack might be approaching. He enriches the upholstery, and Cowboy is very grateful. Muldoon says it is the same as people react to that “new car smell”.

My eyes have now been opened to one thing. The Cowboy knows how to play a person’s emotions to obtain his goals. Before he had this chair all to himself, when we had a competition going for its use and occupancy, he engaged in a campaign of affection whenever I was in that chair. When I got up to go do something, he would take my place in it, and eventually I lost the heart to displace him when I returned. Now that he has it to himself and the competition is gone, the drama of it seems lost too. The Cowboy is now a man of property. That changes people and it also changes a cat. Cowboy now walks around with an air of proprietorship. He actually owns something. He can go to his own chair and it is his alone. None of the other cats will go near it now. It is as though they all instinctively know that a profound social change has transpired and that there is in their midst a cat who has experienced ownership ad who has been profoundly changed by that ownership. There is no hostility, but there is respect. The other cats now see Cowboy as more than just some house pet. He is an achiever. It is as though any day now we and they expect Cowboy to start receiving mail addressed to him. Somehow, when someone becomes a person of property, they start receiving all sorts of mail offering to sell them various goods and services. No doubt one of the first mail pieces will be a letter telling him that he has been pre approved for a credit card. Another will offer him low rates on life insurance if he doesn’t smoke. People will call him on the telephone offering to become his investment advisors. He will of course start receiving requests for money from the charities around here. If he decides to subscribe to a magazine he will immediately be put on other lists targeting people who actually buy things.

Now that idea has intrigued Muldoon, and he is going to buy Cowboy a subscription to a Cat Fancier’s magazine just to see what happens. Through the miracle of the Internet, Cowboy Matte now owns a subscription to Cats and Kittens Magazine. The experiment has begun. We expect the other mail to begin flowing in to Cowboy Matte who is obviously now a person with an interest in cats. He has entered the stream of commerce. Were is not a serious violation of law with severe penalties, Muldoon would surely sign his up for a Social Security number with the government so that he could eventually retire with a modest pension.

It happened just as Muldoon thought it would. Cowboy found his way into the computer systems of world commerce and began receiving all sorts of recognition. A feature story was done on Cowboy and on the issues that would be faced on account of a cat becoming an economic person. As a result of that story, PETA – People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, a loathsome organization of whack jobs – began asserting an agenda that promotes the notion that an economic person should also be treated as a legal person. According to the PETA lunatics, animals should be allowed to vote and should receive all the Constitutional protections afforded to humans.

While that is an absolutely absurd per se suggestion, politicians seeking office in the coming 2012 national elections began to formulate positions either for or against (and in some cases both for and against) the notion of Constitutional protections for animals. There were demonstrations everywhere, many of which got out of control as weirdoes threw rocks and Molotov Cocktails. Cats and dogs were set alight in public demonstrations. All manner of barbaric behavior arose across the country and eventually throughout Europe. French restaurants that serve horse meat were fire bombed.

Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump pledged to imprison everyone who caused damage to real property in any demonstration regarding animal rights. Recognizing that realty is not an unlimited resource, Mr. Trump declared it a crime against the bedrock of American capitalism to cause damage to property. In a speech to the Colonial Dames Society of America, he said that animals were doing jobs that were formerly the bread and butter of people and that animals were displacing people in the workplace, causing families to go hungry while wrongheaded crazies tried to fire bomb facilities of the ASPCA where occasionally unwanted animals are euthanized. He swore to euthanize every animal in America that is not raised specifically for the purpose of being eaten. He further warned that if decisive action is not immediately taken, the next thing will be that they want them in our schools and to give them the vote. We have to nip this in the bud immediately, he said. He received a standing ovation from every woman in the building.

Immediately, some pinko liberal established the Pesky Varmint Society and raised over $ 6,000,000 to oppose the coming holocaust promised by Donald Trump, and it does not take a stretch of any imagination to envision the things that Trump was called. His running mate Mike Huckaby quickly began a national tour promoting the biblical mandate that animals were for eating and were never intended by our Creator to be raised to the level of someone human.

Belinda became furious with Muldoon because his giving an old chair to Cowboy and buying him a subscription to a Cat & Kitten magazine was the cause of political chaos all across America. However, the happy ending was that President Obama won re-election by a wide margin and there was complete rejection of Neanderthal conservatism and anti education religiosity. God did create the world and the natural order of things (intelligent design), and thereafter things evolved and developed as God intended it to in the first place. It seems that evolution was created by God as part of the divine plan for continuation of the efficacy of the design. Now how on earth could anyone ever have thought it was otherwise?

By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
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