By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
Copyright © 1997-2017
All Rights Reserved


The front door bell rang. I picked up my trusty 9 mm and went to answer it. Around here of late the Zombies will ring your bell and when you answer it they try to force their way into the house for purposes of committing assorted felonies against your person and property. We have the answer to the problem. Word has gotten around that this is the house you don’t want to fuck with. If you were to sneak up and look in the front window you would see a Tech-9 street sweeper with a full 50 round clip hanging on the wall. Message delivered loud and clear.

Of course the representatives of WOO MUNG didn’t know that when they rang the bell or they might have just passed us by and gone on to bother the next door neighbors.

The WOO MUNGers dress funny because they are not of this world, I guess. I didn’t get close enough to them so that I could smell whatever it is that they smoke, but they had that look of not quite redeemed stoners selling other worldliness to pay for their hash. They also had that eyes rolling around in their heads look that bespeaks either psychosis, neurological affliction, being stoned or the delusional nirvana condition having recently been achieved through the use of counterfeit mystical experiences induced by drugs and boring repetition of chants not understood by anyone. OOOOMMMM! Or something like that, I guess. I didn’t listen closely, so I might have misheard the monosyllabic lyric associated with the Gregorian grunting.

People who enjoy sex with WOO MUNGers have to be olfactorily challenged or otherwise willing to hold their collective noses because the WOO MUNGers always have lots of drugs. Maybe the wrong word is “enjoy”. When they open their mouths to speak you smell garbage dump and see rotten teeth. They also seem to have lots of sinus drainage, but that, I hear, has nutrition if you swallow it.

This group must not have gotten involved with tambourines, bells, drums or piping of any kind – just OOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM! No dance with it. Nothing. It occurred to me that if they required talent, that would reduce the number of adherents to their “faith” and therefore the number of door to door chanters hawking support for WOO MUNG.

Since the Mormon beggars have the white shirt and tie with dark or tan trousers all staked out for themselves, the God Club beggars of competing door to door denominations have their own sartorial signatures. The WOO MUNGers try to look like you expect some weird adherent to Tibetan woman beaters to look. These flowing pseudo saffron sheets (not robes, really) are not regularly laundered, so you can tell of what their diet is mainly composed by looking at their attire. They obviously eat a lot of ice cream. But I am sure there is no mustard flavor ice cream, so they have to be into fast food as well. That alone distinguishes them from the vegans. Again veganism would reduce the size of this beggar army, so what foods stain your rags is not an issue.I do recall many years ago my brief association with a friend who had become a monk(ey) for some vegetarian group, and his fellow adherents who, when I was picking up the tab for dinner ate every animal on the menu. They were followers of some Swami whose claim to significance was that when he died his body did not decay – proof of significance if I ever heard it, right? Think Swami Paramhansa Yogananda.

You would think these ragamuffins would be predominantly Asian, but they have been infiltrated by their Anglo converts who really do look damn silly standing there in their fart permeated saffron sheets going OOOOMMMM. When a white person goes OOOOOOOOMMMMMMM! itis simply ridiculous. If you watch carefully you can tell that a few of them are dying to do some kind of stupid dance of their own divination as they jig around twisting their heads and swishing their sheets suggestively.

Culture is an often misused word the abuse of which has even been applied to Dallas. The difference between Dallas and a container of yogurt is that the yogurt really does have a culture. Whether the WOO MUNGers have or represent a culture remains to be seen. With that tour of their apparent culture over, you might turn to whatever it is that they are selling as their belief system du jour.

It is very obvious that extensive market research was employed to configure an essential controllable theme that could be quickly taught to morons. It began most intelligently by assessing why it is that other doctrines failed to appeal to those with little intellectual capability, no willingness to invest in any deferred gratification program with only a vague promise of something cloudlike called salvation that occurs only when you fucking die. That is a very hard sell when you only have about 15 seconds at someone’s front door to get yourself an invitation to come inside. You also cannot possibly teach groups of unwashed stoners the lessons of a lifetime as offered by Christianity, Islam and serious eastern religions. Real nirvana does not come out of a pipe or a tube of rolled up ignited grass/weeds. You have to configure an instant message kind of presentation that, when coupled with weirdo clothing and twitching conveys the immediate convincing pitch – OOOOMMMM!

I am the way and the light and the life is extremely profound in that while true, it requires long term dedication to a lexicon of core principles consciously applied to one’s daily existence and how one interacts with others. You cannot do I am the way the light and the life if in your heart you really don’t give a shit. The message of the Quran is similar and also equally valid, as Mohammed really was a messenger of God, just like Jesus. The cultural imperatives of the Quran that make God’s message relevant to the children of Ibrahim through Ishmael are real and true imperatives that speak in the mode of real Arab experience, but that in essence are the same message given to Christianity by Jesus.

Similarly, true nirvana is the product of years of seeking insights into ultimate meanings that are real in the sense that they are roads to sightings of the potentialities of true spiritual fulfillment. Counterfeiting nirvana by smoking weed and sucking stuff up your nose just won’t get you there.

And so, within this framework, WOO MUNG created the stoner’s instant guide to inner perfection, no matter how bloody ugly, smelly or dirty the outside of the person may be. And the tonal expression of such a message must be instantly learnable and construed to mean absolutely everything to people who understand practically nothing – OOOOMMMM!

Stress reduction, relationship improvement, enhanced happiness, instant enlightenment; through the process of “subtracting the bad from the good” within you, ultimately liberating the true you are at your fingertips once you subscribe to the program – OOOOMMMM! And of course support MUNGism.

To be sure, there are various sects in MUNGism, just as there are in Judaism, Christianity and Islam. Amongst the MUNGiest are those who are capable of carrying a tune; those with sufficient coordination to perform simple dance steps; those who can mix really good batches of drugs; a few accountants and a law firm that will, for a fee, at least pretend to support WOO MUNG and his adherents. Face it. Even Jimmy Jones and the Ku Klux Klan had lawyers. Hitler had both lawyers and judges. It’s not rocket science.

WOO his own self lives in ducal splendor in Los Angeles. He has a bevy of bimbos into whose vaginas he regularly pours out his seminal messages and up whose noses he transmits mind expanding powders processed from certain plant material. He has a veritable platoon of security people, and the great unwashed are never allowed anywhere near the place. Like all thegreat religions of world history, the temple virgins are reserved for the bosses and the high roller supporters. Everyone else has to catch as catch can.

There is no Ashram camp site like in the good old days of Swami Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, with hoards or unwashed spreading their whatever it was they transmitted from one to another and washing in some creek occasionally if the sun was out that day.

Intermediaries deal with the administrative work of aggregating the daily collections sent in from around the MUNGdom. Producing marketing and distributing HIS tracts that the minions pass out. In addition to being paid, these intermediaries get to pick from among the nubile stoner girls and boys freshly recruited from around the world, and, once screened for sexually transmitted diseases and cleaned up and inoculated become the sexual harvest of the intermediaries. It is not unlike the Catholic church and the Jerry Sandusky youth charities in the sexual predation area. As we now know that almost every religious and pseudo religious sect has its pedophile battalions, usually called priests, MUNGism cannot take the whole blame for this field of sportsmanship.

His book explains how one subtracts the bad from the good in one’s soul/being and thereby obtains the detritus of wonder that remains after the application of this emotional math exercise. You kinda get the feeling that WOO used to be a high school math teacher.

This is no small empire, as there are 230 WOO MUNG franchises in South Korea plus a few hundred more in North, Central and South America, Africa, Asia, Europe and Oceania. Its franchisability is an aspect of its configuration like every other religion on earth. It aint a religion if you can’t franchise it.

So if your dog suddenly begins to bark and your cat goes on alert freak and your doorbell rings, look out there before you open that door. It could be a Zombie or a WOO MUNG team come to see you for reasons having nothing to do with providing you with satisfaction.


By Seamus Muldoon, Himself
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