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BOUDREAUX’S & MULDOON’S HURRICANE
EMERGENCY PLANS
By
Seamus Muldoon, Himself
This was proven beyond any possibility of doubt last year when the
nationally recognized experts in meteorology, government and emergency
planning and management came up with their hurricane predictions for
Houston, especially in the instance of Hurricane Rita. 2,700,000
people obeyed the call of the experts to evacuate Houston, all in one
day. Boudreaux and Muldoon decided that these people didn’t know Jack
Shit about the situation, and refused to obey. Truth to tell,
Boudreaux and Muldoon don’t obey no how, no matter what the experts or
the government might say. Boudreaux and Muldoon know that the
government is always wrong and that anyone identified by the
government as an expert in anything is always gonna be full of shit.
So while 2,700,000 people were taking 18 hours to go 200 miles, and
over 30,000 of them were running out of gas by the time the traffic
jam allowed them to move 40 miles down the road, and while many of
them were giving birth out there on the highway in the hot sun, and
having heart attacks and strokes, all without the slightest
possibility of obtaining any assistance, Boudreaux, Muldoon and
Charlie were down at Muldoons, with the air conditioning on and the
music playing and the wine flowing freely. And they so damn cool and
sly about it that people thought they were going to Muldoons cause
Muldoons has an ice machine and everyone needs lots of ice whenever a
hurricane is expected. They told their women that the hurricane wasn’t
coming to Houston, but that, just to be on the safe side, they were
going to go get some ice anyway. The women didn’t figure out that it
was just a ruse until about five hours later when Boudreaux and
Muldoon still had not returned. Finally they called on the cell phones
to find out whether Boudreaux and Muldoon had any intention of coming
home again, to which Boudreaux answered, “Lemme call you back in a few
minutes on that.” Charlie’s old lady never called cause she had no
idea he was at Muldoons in the first pace. She thought he was over at
Aunt Belinda’s helping her get ready for the hurricane.
This was poor old Charlie’s maiden voyage going out with Boudreaux and
Muldoon, and it was so much fun that he forgot to pace his own self.
Consequently, Charlie was done before Boudreaux and Muldoon were done,
but being done don’t mean you have to stop drinking. Now when
Charlie’s mama finally did get around to calling Aunt Belinda’s house
to see how old Charlie was doing helping her out, she was reassured
that, while Charlie wasn’t there right at that moment, he was with
Muldoon and Boudreaux, so there wasn’t anything to worry about - -
yeah right! Later on, when his mama was thinking of throwing a mama
fit about what Charlie was doing out there with Boudreaux and Muldoon,
it was suggested to her that she ought instead to be saying thank you
that Charlie didn’t come home with any sexually communicable disease.
Boudreaux and Muldoon made damn sure that the ladies at Muldoons kept
their hands out of Charlie’s trousers. This was no easy feat, as
Charlie was definitely fresh meat, and the predators kept circling him
and tumescing until Muldoons started to smell like mating season at
the dog pound. Boudreaux and Muldoon decided right then and there that
they were gonna take Charlie with them whenever they went out so they
could use him for bait. Of course none of this was ever shared with
Charlie’s mama.
The long and short of it was that Boudreaux and Muldoon had a grand
afternoon searching for ice at Muldoons, and of course nothing in the
way of bad weather ever came anywhere close to Houston.
What we did get by way of hurricane damage was 250,000 FEMAzoids from
New Orleans, sent here to mooch, rob, rape and freeload to the point
where the federal government ended up paying for police overtime to
cover the 25 % increase in violent crime. Fortunately, the FEMAzoids
kill each other with a high degree of frequency, and they get into
fights with our indigenous natives, all of which reduces the FEMAzoid
population. It’s just that we can’t get the sumbitches to leave due to
the FEMA free room and board program. They won’t go home to help clean
up New Orleans, because they expect someone else to clean it up and
just hand it back to them fully restored. In high schools with a high
FEMAzoid population, graduation ceremonies had to be heavily guarded
due to the threat of gang fights – FEMAzoids versus Houstonians – some
graduations were simply called off for that reason. They went back to
New Orleans in buses to vote for Mayor Nagin’s re-election, but then
they came back to Houston to resume their criminal lifestyle. The
weekend they were gone back to vote was extremely quiet, but right
afterwards the air was again filled with the sound of sirens.
Now it is the beginning of “Hurricane Season” in the year of our Lord
2006, and the government, having proven to everyone last year that
they didn’t have even a remote idea about what to do in the event of
an emergency, has announced its new plan for dealing with this year’s
Hurricane Season. And the reason for writing this story is that this
year’s government emergency management plans are even more ridiculous
than last year’s government emergency management plans.
There are fundamental flaws in this year’s emergency preparedness
scheme. They are that (1) the people in charge of it haven’t the
slightest notion of how anything works in reality – they represent
what I call the “consultant” mentality; (2) the major premises upon
which the scheme rests are all ridiculously, laughably false; (3) even
if they had any notion of how things work in real life, they can’t
deal with anything in that mode because to do so effectively would
require saying/doing things that are not politically correct; (4)
Homeland Security and FEMA are now at least de facto on the same bozo
track, with true bozo leadership, and their attention/resources are
parceled out as much for reasons of politics as for risk to and value
of the primary “targets” in America; and (5) when they run out of
stupid suggestions, they fill in the blanks with outright lies.
The people in charge of not being in charge but pretending that they
are in charge are all political appointees amongst whom no one has
ever even seen a hurricane or other calamity of significant
proportions except on television. To be honest and give credit where
credit is due, three of them did take a seminar on Emergency
Preparedness Appreciation – not Emergency Preparedness, but Emergency
Preparedness Appreciation – like the difference between studying music
and taking a course in music appreciation. Think of it as people who
“like” music but have no knowledge of how to perform music. You know,
the bozos who will stand in front of a speaker system and gesticulate
as though they understood what is involved in leading an orchestra,
waiving their arms in time with the music with a whacked out
expression on their face, transported in vacuous delight. They could
never be allowed to participate in any musical performance, and these
disaster appreciation whackos should never be allowed to participate
in any but make believe disaster planning functions - - but they do -
- and that’s why what we have is sheer idiocy for disaster plans.
The head of the department of homeland security, for instance, is a
New York ex Federal Judge to whom a disaster/calamity/emergency means
that he has to wait for a table in a restaurant because the Maitre D
isn’t aware that he is an ex Federal Judge from New York who is now
head of the department of homeland security. This bozo went to Houston
last week and held meetings with the state and local bozos in charge
of not being in charge should something bad ever happen. They reviewed
the Texas disaster plans and the Houston disaster plans over a very
liquid lunch and an even more liquid dinner, and then they went and
drove the evacuation routes when no one else was on the road and
proclaimed that the evacuation should be a breeze this time.
There is now a new head of FEMA whose employment history does not
include organizing horse shows in Kentucky, but whose qualifications
are not one iota better than the major domo of the horsy set who used
to be head of FEMA. He also proclaims that the government is really
and truly on top of the situation should this hurricane season be as
bad as it is predicted to be.
The heads of disaster management in the states of Texas and Louisiana
are both politically connected men who are accustomed to dealing with
disasters at the level of losing a cuff link while dressing to go out
to some black tie affair. The Harris County, Texas disaster management
person is an unemployed relative of the county judge who is serving
probation for having been found with tons of kiddie porn on his hard
drive. And the bozo in charge of such things for the City of Houston
is some person picked up off the street and given the title/”job” for
purposes of furthering an affirmative action agenda – there’s an
election coming up, you know.
There is - - get this, will ya - - an office of government
accountability - - have you ever heard a funnier oxymoron? It has just
issued a scathing report about the fraud that people perpetrated on
FEMA last year, folks who got a few thousand dollars in emergency
funding under false pretense, for example. And, even more
reprehensible, many FEMAzoids spent their FEMA debit card funds on
commercial beaver, especially in the Martha’s Vineyard area where a
few token FEMAzoids were sent so that Senator Edward Kennedy could
show how bloody liberal he is. The Martha’s Vineyard newspaper was
chick a block with editorial material about how terrible it was that
FEMA funds were not going to food and shelter, but were being spent on
- - of all things - - PUSSY! We’re supposed not to know or even be
liminally aware of the phony contracts for millions of dollars that
were handed out by FEMA last year. We’re supposed to give our
attention only to the petty thievery committed by individuals who are
not politically connected. That’s a terrific example of the quality of
“government accountability”. Some poor bastard who got a few thousand
for emergency shelter assistance and listed his address as a cemetery
and spent the money on commercial beaver gets mentioned in the report.
I expect some folks to be petty opportunistic crooks.
Hell, considering what the “contractors” who were on the A List of
political cronies stole, the petty thieves ought to get a damn medal
for stealing only a little bit. When you think of those thousands of
FEMA trailers rotting in fields in Arkansas, unused, unwanted, but
paid for; and when you think of hundreds of trucks hauling ice from
the west coast to New Orleans and not delivering it to people who
needed it claiming that there was no one to “sign for it”, and then
hauling it to Massachusetts and putting it in storage; no petty theft
of a few quid by some horny opportunistic FEMAzoid seems that
impressive. If you want to attack waste, you might consider how much
the report cost, people going through petty sum vouchers for a year to
find a few quid spend on quim, and not making an issue of the millions
ripped by the FEMA contractors. But then, the contractors probably
bribed government officials for their no competitive bid contracts,
and the government certainly wouldn’t want anyone reviewing that
sordid arrangement, would it? Gimme a fucking break!
After a year of planning, this group of ultimate misfits have come up
with an inventory of what you need to got out and buy and have handy
in the event that a major hurricane makes a direct hit on your city.
The committees established by these nit wits met four times during the
past year to come up with the following list of stuff that you need,
all of which is politically correct but totally inadequate and
guaranteed to have your poor ass hanging out in dire straights if you
are stupid enough to follow these directions.
Food and water for three days - aint nobody gonna get to you in
three days, fool. You’ll be very lucky if anyone gets to you in a
week. Batteries and a battery powered radio - so you can be given stupid
directions calculated to get yo po ass killed or worse.
Drugs - I think they mean only prescription drugs and some over the
counter shit - - not weed. The useful information they don’t provide
is that emergency rooms are overloaded in normal times. In natural
disaster or other emergencies, there is no possibility of emergency
room facilities being of any use at all. Even if you got to one, you
would be totally out of luck. If they were honest enough to say that
and to provide a more expanded list of things you need, including
first aid book and first aid supplies, they might at least have some
modicum of liminal honesty working in their favor. But any degree of
honesty from the government is an unthinkable impossibility. You are
on your fucking own, baby.
Clothing and bedding - Maybe you already got that and don’t have to
go get it. Assorted important documents
Cash stash - so you can get youself some weed - in all probability
nothing will be open for business and anyone with half a brain will
simply help himself to whatever is needed - called looting if you’re
black and survival if you’re white. Entertainment, like books and games - keep your Hustler
Magazine collection up high out of the water and wrap it in plastic to
protect it from the rain - And use up your batteries playing your games,
so you don’t have to listen to those idiot instructions on your battery
operated emergency radio - Anyone with any imagination will masturbate
until rescued – be sure you have your “happy sock” handy.
What is it that would be extremely useful/critically indispensable in
the event of a big hurricane or other major disaster, but that isn’t
on the list because it is more important to be politically correct
than to be useful? How about the following:
First aid injury items, including fist aid manual, ace bandages,
pressure devices, antibiotic and steroid creams and salves, needles
and thread, tourniquets, snake bite kit and other items listed in the
manual. Anti rodent and bug stuff, like poisons, traps and repellents
Tools, including wrenches, hammers, saws, screwdrivers, pliers,
ladders, rope, hand operated drill brace and bits and hand operated
kitchen tools – you can’t open them cans of food with your yuppie
electric can opener Guns and lots of ammo for each! You know damn good and well that you
are probably going to have to protect yourself and your family, not to
mention your property. Since you will also have no access to
professional medical help of any kind, when your first aid
capabilities fail to adequately address what has happened to you and
you would prefer not to spend hours dying in agony, the gun and ammo
could be the last thing available with which to deal with your own
predicament. Yeah – I know – suicide is a sin – God wants you to spend
a long time dying in agony – What bullshit! Trash bags and disinfectant – for dealing with trash and with the
corpses of the sumbitches you have to shoot Sex supplies, including everything from birth and disease control
materials to junk jewelry and wine BOOZE, including the accoutrements that make the alcohol scene as
nice as it can be, like cocktail and wine glasses, napkins, assorted
garnishes, shakers and mixing glasses, stemware for those martinis Charcoal briquettes, starter, small grill (Old Smokey) and matches
Inasmuch as it is politically incorrect to do so, the imbeciles who
run the
emergency preparedness programs won’t tell you about one of your
greatest dangers and how to deal with it. Whenever there is a disaster
of substantial proportion that is accompanied with a functional
breakdown of society’s public safety enforcement resources, criminals
flood out into the population to do what criminals do when they
believe the police are too busy to intervene. Hurricanes are typical
examples of that kind of situation. You won’t be able to call the
police and get any effective assistance in a hurricane. You are on
your own. You need to be prepared and conditioned to deal with the
threat of attack. You need firearms and ammunition and you need to be
locked and loaded and mentally ready to shoot to kill on a moment’s
notice. You can’t expect the criminal to wait until you go get and
load your gun before he rapes your family, takes your property and
assaults you. Criminals count on your not being mentally and otherwise
ready to shoot to kill. If they thought you were ready, they wouldn’t
bother you in the first place. So you have to be ready. If you live in
a hurricane or earthquake area, you need to go to pistol training and
you need to be accustomed to firearms use and to be proficient at it.
There are moments in life when hesitation and moralizing will only get
you and your family assaulted and killed. Your government won’t tell
you about that. That’s something you have to provide for yourself. If
you have been in the military and in a combat unit, you already know
about this. Today, however, people think they are somehow exempt from
the threat of attack by other people. Would that it were so. It isn’t
so.
In all likelihood, you aint qualified to do things like we do ‘em, so
you probably better start getting ready for the hurricane season. We
aint goin nowhere, no matter what the government says to do. We gonna
do exactly like we did last year, and the government can kiss our
collective ass. We got lotsa, food, water and wine and booze and
charcoal briquettes and charcoal starter and hand operated can
openers, cork screws and speed blades, and, of course, guns, ammo and
two hot babes who can keep us happy until the disaster is gone. As
everyone knows, the very best love making is when there’s no
electricity and it’s August in South Texas, with a howling storm going
on and some flooding and wind driven debris flying by. I just gotta
write a story about hurricane sex. I know Belinda won’t let me do it,
but if she ever does allow it, the title will be “Hurricane Fucking”.
I remember last hurricane season’s pictures of people who lacked food,
water and every other necessity of life, taking merchandise out of the
stores. The sanctimonious church fucks accused them of looting and
stealing. If they were white, they were just trying to stay alive. If
they were black they were looting. Well, assholes, here’s the reality
of that situation. Whatever was not taken from the stores was declared
an insurance loss and disposed of anyway. Storeowners who were insured
lost nothing that was not covered, and the insurance companies would
have had to pay for it anyway. The merchandise went to helping people
survive the disaster. Taking plasma television sets is no different
than taking food or other necessities, because those can be traded for
the necessities that weren’t in the store you were in when you took
stuff. It’s just too bad that the judgmental assholes who so quickly
accused and judged haven’t yet had the opportunity to experience that
kind of disaster. When you walk in another person’s shoes, then you
may have competence to express meaningful opinions. I know that anyone
who understands anything about survival will take anything that may be
useful, and that you can’t usually tell in an emergency what might be
important and what may not help, especially if you aint had no
survival training – so you take everything sometimes. No one facing
real emergencies who is not a fucking idiot would ever sit there and
debate the “morality” of taking what they need for themselves and for
their families. To do that is to mistake stupidity for morality.
Ironically, most of the folks who took the big plasma televisions last
year still don’t have anyplace to plug the sumbitches in.
One of the real benefits of last year’s hurricane season is that a few
thousand corpses floated out into the bays and bayous of South
Louisiana, and the crabs are now really large and succulent, just like
the eels in the North Sea right after the Battle of Jutland.
So what is the point of this article? Is it just another of my rants
about this or that with no goal other than to vent? Is there no
message here? OK – You want a message? Here’s a message.
Even though you were taught the nonsense about the government being
there to protect you, it is not - - other than in the context of a war
or some other very long term governmental exercise that will not be
that effective and that will take so long that it won’t be of any use
to you anyway. You have to take care of yourself. You have to develop
the competence to manage calamity on your own. If you don’t do that,
you’re fucked.
Even though you were taught that God sees every sparrow fall from
every tree, that too is utter nonsense. God is not your baby sitter.
God is the creator of the system by reason of which you came into this
world and are sustained by the forces of nature that operate to
sustain those who become competent to take care of themselves. It is
not the will of God that you live or die at any given moment. That is
up to chance and up to you to influence the odds by being competent at
survival. God does not go about destroying innocents. God doesn’t give
babies cancer. We have to take care of ourselves and not expect others
– who are certainly less than God – to do it for us. There are
resources available to us to enable us to deal with most everything.
We have to avail ourselves of those resources and learn to be self
sufficient.
God gave us many wonderful things, but it is up to us to rise to every
occasion and honor those gifts by mastering the techniques of
preserving and improving our own lot. Whiners who don’t do that and
who constantly complain that things don’t automatically work out the
way they think they should, will always be sloughed off into the dung
heap.
Finally, it may be the case that a substantial contributor to
“natural” disasters is the manner of our failed stewardship vis-à-vis
the environment. Certainly since the industrial revolution we have
been treating the world like our toilet and dumping poisons into and
onto it. Humanity may simply have become an affliction that the earth
must cure and will cure. I do not believe we will be allowed to
destroy the world. I do believe that we can cause the world to become
unwilling/incapable to support our continued existence here. If that
belief is well founded, our effort to meet disasters is just a big
waste of time. The melting of polar icecaps and the advent of other
natural calamities in epic proportions suggest biblical scale portent.
If the seas rise to inundate us, and storms destroy what we build, and
seismic activity and disease overwhelm us, the puny bullshit of FEMA
is simply a big bad joke – and the joke is on us. Our policies on
these issues are and have for a long time been pure bullshit. But we
might consider asking the question, “Just who are we bullshitting
anyway?” If we do not correct our thinking, we may expect that we will
all be sloughed off/washed away in a cleansing process. After that the
earth will gradually heal itself and restore its natural
functionality. Ultimately, another life form will appear that may, for
a time, appreciate stewardship responsibilities. My reference for this
is Genesis 6:5 – 9:29. Could it be that we are no longer honoring the
covenant that God made with Noah and that notice is being taken of our
delinquency?
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Copyright © 1997-2008, Seamus Muldoon